A Post About Sarah

:O - what's this, a change - to the url, banner AND name of the blog. Reader, I know you don't like change, and the ever-changing winds of time unsettle you somewhat, but the blog has moved on. Well, it's kind of a moot point seeing as the blog was previously entitled 'CARDS and other irrelevant shizz' when in fact no cards of any kind were ever featured on said blog, so there hasn't really been any 'moving on' in terms of the content of the blog, just a good re-titling really.

Anyway, some time ago, http://everydayimramblin.blogspot.co.uk/ told me to write a post about her. This is that post.

This is my friend Sarah.
Some say her eye is wonky because she ate too many Wonka bars and it went to her head.
Some say she was born from two satellites colliding above the Indian Ocean.
Some say she was raised by raisins.
Some say she's a reincarnation of Louis the racist snail who tragically lost his life in Paris.
Some say her skin is made of denim.
Some say she's the lovechild of Mufasa from the Lion King and Elvis.
Some say she has a crotch of pure gold.
Some say she once broke her face.
Some say she lives in a rooftop village where she can swing from branch to branch with ease.
Some say she shot the sheriff (but she didn't shoot the deputy).
Some say she can speak Narwhal.
Some say she can maim tigers with a single stare.
Some say she has issues with fruit due to her heritage.
Some say she can text with thought.
Some say she has fathered a litter of children in Mexico.
Some say her favourite hobby is painting pictures of the sun on the backs of rodents.
Some say she has more than 8 limbs, but hides them to avoid being asked to do more work with them.
Some say she cleans her home with a mop made out of the hair of Iggy Pop.
Some say she wants to settle down at the age of 30 with only a pound coin and a moustache to keep her company.

I just think she's a bit weird, and possibly a serial killer. But don't let that put you off her.

Sarah, ladies and gentleman.

BYE

Alter-Egos

Alors, 

When I was thinking to myself today, "I'm in the mood to do a blog post", I did the usual thing of thinking of something in the last week that has stuck out to me as important. However, this last week has been a blur and to be honest the last thing I remember is thinking to myself today "I'm in the mood to do a blog post". So, instead of creating a deep, witty blog post, I decided to paste a photo of people's heads onto the bodies of more famous alter egos of those people. Enjoy my creations. I call the collection "Splicey Times" 

I call this creation "Starshites by Nicki Bartholomew". It is an expressionist piece depicting a friend's desire to be a black rapper. Perhaps indicating man's desire to be cooler than it actually is?

 "My Heart Will Go On" 

"Danger Days, True Lives of Fabulous Retards" 

"Winnie the Dave" 

BYE

Walrus Wednesday

Guys.
I do not want to alarm you.
I do not want to create hysteria.
I do not want to be the sole cause of a massive riot across Tonbridge, violently protesting in favour of the information i am about to install upon you.
I have been given the knowledge from a higher power.
That today.
Wednesday 28th March.
Is indeed.
The first ever.
Walrus.
Wednesday.
We all understand the symbolic meaning of hope that the humble walrus has brought upon us during all times of need.
We all understand the difficulties facing animated walruses, as they are killed daily by e-poachers in a disgusting bid for their Microsoft Paint colours of wonder.
It is for this reason that I aim to rise the walruses to fame.
Therefore, every Wednesday, we will be meeting another walrus, newly rescued from the e-poachers.
I continue to thank you for your support in this worthy, worthy cause.
Buzz Lightyear-alrus

BYE

Sometimes I...

Sometimes I make friends,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I wonder if Pringles rule the world,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I stick luminous paper on my face and glue my forehead, then stand by a wall and pretend to be a post it note,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I sit in my garden, eating a biscuit, pretending to be Bear Gryllis,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I do an expressive dance while talking to a blind person for the irony,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I go to London and lick people's backs,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I play hopscotch with one leg Steve,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I play ping pong,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I play 'Thunderbirds Are Go' by Busted and walk around pretending to be a puppet,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I dream i'm a walnut,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I hiss at people as they walk past me on the train,
Sometimes I don't,

The End

BYE

Things That Are Awesome Things

So it's valentine's day - yay... so very single ... so here are some of the things in life that should lighten the mood for all the single people, and the people in relationships with controlling morons... enjoy :)

1. When they say the title of a movie... IN THE MOVIE.
When this happens, I can literally feel my smile. A few examples include, Insidious, The Matrix, Jurassic Park, Texas Chainsaw Massacre... i could go on. But I won't, for your reading experience. It's even better when the name of the film is said with emphasis, like the director knows you know it's the name of the film and you know the director knows it's the name of the film - it becomes an in joke with the director, like you have one more friend in this lonely existence.

2. When you're playing Doodle Jump and you get the jet pack AND the bubble of invincibility... and you feel like you can do anything.
I mean anything. Every time this happens, there's a sad little part of me that hopes the game will glitch and i'll stay this way FOREVER, conquer the world and become the prime minister of Malaysia. And then it ends and i'm back to my powerless lack of dictatorship.

3. When an assortment of Apple products accumulate in one location.
This is why I spend as much time as I can in the Apple Store. It's something about the way it all looks unique but so TOGETHER. And it's so good to use... and when it's all used together... sharing files and software effortlessly... in such a nice way. It's just so... nice. Omnomnomnomnom.

I'm gonna go watch The Matrix while playing Doodle Jump on my Apple iTouch and pine after Macbooks on Amazon... it's gonna be a good evening guys...

Tabs's Coursework Survival Guide

Welcome students, brethren, people with nothing better to do than check their Facebook newsfeed and click on a link to a random blog posted by a year 12 on a Saturday Night. Today, we will be learning how to complete coursework, any coursework, to the best of your fantastic ability.

Step 1 - The Coursework Title

Try to prevent writing this down in the first place, there is obviously something way more interesting in your bag which must be attended to, you may have a text from your mother for example, or a pencil may have escaped from the sanctuary of your Blott pencil case and should be restored. The full title can be later accessed via facebook or by text from a disgruntled peer.

Step 2 - Time Management

Spending time on coursework is overrated. This section is largely dependent on the type of coursework you are set. An essay, for example, due in 2 weeks and of about 3 pages long should be forgotten for approximately 14 days, until the morning of the due date. I know this sounds somewhat unconventional, however i can guarantee you, you will have a lot more time to spend on The Sims and arranging book shelves over the two week period. Winning.

Step 3 - Coursework Content

If we are continuing with our 'essay' analogy, ensure that the essay is modest. Notes can be obtained from friends over Facebook, and I always find that google-ing the essay title brings up some incredibly usable material. This can usually be done on the evening of the due date, however can be done the evening before the extension due date, or the evening before the extension of the extension due date... or not at all if your teacher is particularly gutless.

Step 4 - Distractions

There is a common misconception regarding the helpfulness of distractions when completing coursework. Distractions are the brain's way of telling us to be inspired elsewhere. A Romeo and Juliet essay can always be livened up with a Super Mario 64 analogy as you casually control Mario around a world made out of lava and fire and liken it to the theme of fate. Other times, distractions are the brain's method of stopping you killing yourself and everyone around you. Coursework always seems less stressful when it's done in front of Friends or Spongebob, or when you are completing it between levels of Tetris.

Step 5 - Handing In

Now. You've been set coursework 3 weeks ago and it's the extension of your extended due date. There's no need to print out the coursework, it might be on your memory stick. Make sure you arrive to your lesson in a bad mood and preferably late, this leaves the best impression on your teacher. As your teacher asks for you coursework, you should probably scowl a bit and ask to go print it off. Then grumble your way out the room and in the general direction of the toilets / cafe / common room. Don't worry about being prompt back to the lesson, the teacher is probably enjoying the lesson and you don't want to ruin that. Go and have the wee wee times or get a dr pepper from the cafe. When you return with your half a page essay, ensure you are suitably depressed so the teacher doesn't question the sparsity of the work with ease, then sit, moody in the back of the lesson and listen to some good music.

By following this guide you are sure to recieve that U grade you crave so much in the summer, happy schooling :)

ps please don't take this seriously... and don't blame me if you do and get KILLED.

SPORK

A Story About Finding Yourself

I'm bringing 'lom' in. It's happening. Get over it. Now that that's sorted, let's get down to business. There's no business, but i thought i should post seen as i haven't posted in like forever. Lol. IT'S TEENAGE SPEAK GONE MAD. Lom. Do you want to hear a story? Here's a story.

One day, there were three children waiting at the train station. The first, Sally, a strange looking child with a head far to large for her own good, looked out across the tracks, a look of longing stretching across her usually animated face. The second, Janice, her taller counterpart was confused by this longing, however, could not communicate as she had taken a vow of silence. Instead she ushered to the third, a shorter but more intelligent friend (Tammy), and indicated the other friend's sadness. Sally's face was expressionless, her usually warm eyes were haunted by the ghost of what she may never achieve.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" Tammy delicately inquired, before being punched in the face by Janice, who had momentarily forgotten her godly ways. Janice helped Tammy off the platform as Sally's lips parted to speak the words,

"Alas, I may never fulfill my true wishes" Tammy was intrigued by Sally's outburst, and offered a comforting pat on the shoulder, Janice fell to the floor and prayed. Ignoring their mumbling friend, Sally and Tammy sat on a bench and spoke.

"I must follow my heart and become... a penis model" Tammy struggled for a second, processing the information, before reminding Sally "but, you have no penis". At this, Sally threw herself next to Janice on the floor, crying and pounding at the concrete in fury. It was clear that there was more to this than met Tammy's eye, so she stood awkwardly, waiting for the pair to finish. People stared. Soon, Janice finished praying and pulled Sally up, still muttering to herself.

"I will be a penis model" Sally whispered in a moment of quiet reflection, before running from the train station, leaving Tammy to stand awkwardly with Janice.

3 days later, Sally walked into the common room. Her eyes glistened with their usual dewey glory , her step was lighter as she breezed across the room and she was grinning like a fucking retard. Janice was busy reading the bible, but Tammy looked up and saw Sally. What was revealed to Tammy was beautiful, the way it sat, like a beast, growling in fury, swinging freely with the wind. It was all colours, glistening off the common room lights, inventing brand new shades just by springing back and forth. Tammy inhaled sharply, filled with awe. Janice fell to the floor and prayed.

"I decided to opt out of the penis modelling. I bought a tamagotchi instead" murmured Sally into the stunned silence.

The End...

Mother Fuckers.

Things Of A Giggle-Worthy Nature

Some things in this world are boring, crappy and generally normal. However, then every now and again you come across something in this black and white world that is so brilliant that it blinds your tiny greyscale-adjusted eyes and launches your previously immature and inexperienced state of mind into a rainbow of pure awesomeness. Recently, one of these things became apparent to myself and my younger, less successful sister. Narwhals. They are beautiful - not classically beautiful - they kind of look like a walrus's dead grandmother who mated incestuously with her deformed unicorn brother, but they HAVE A HORN. ACTUAL UNICORN - LIKE CREATURES EXIST IN THIS WORLD. Beautiful. Jeremy Kyle is also a glorious ray of sun on the dead crops in the fields of existance. The families featured are beautiful like Narwhals are beautiful... sure, they lack teeth and basic spelling, but even before they appear on the notorious tv show, they have to perform the gruelling task of calling the number - '123456'. That's the Jeremy Kyle number. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Every time i see this i laugh like it's the first - they've felt the need to make it THAT easy to apply. I'm pretty sure that from then on you just have to be able to spell your name (you have to hand it to them - judging by most of the names on the show, they probably have a hard time of it - eg Misheechta was on last week with a fascinating story into how her mother had sold her for a wrap of weed. It was only an 8th.).

There are many things in this world that make Tabs happy. These are just two examples. So go forth children and enjoy the little things... sorry Jessie, kind of treading on your Zombieland approach there... awks.

BYE.

'Rebecca Black's Friday is an allegory depicting the communist issues facing society today. Discuss.

Rebecca Black has been depicted in the media as a trivial, forthright public annoyance. Her infamy has made her a youtube phenomenon which, though infuriatingly frustrating, is a sort of achievement - as Jimmy Carr says 'It's like being the best looking guy in the burns ward'. However, the song that caused this fame - 'Friday' has not been unpacked. The song's true meaning has not been brought to light and here I hope to expose this meaning.

'7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal'

This is obviously a sentiment against communism. Perhaps she is being forced to 'be fresh', perhaps her leader has ordered that civilians must 'go downstairs', 'have my bowl' and 'have cereal'. This shows a lack of democracy across the world. Black is trying to express to society how communist her country has become through this subtle message about morning routine. This subtlety itself also depicts a democrat's cry for help in a communist world.

Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
This is an ingenious message to the listener about how the human race lives for tomorrow and doesn't enjoy the present. Black is portraying to us that society should stop worrying about the future so much that they are forgetting to enjoy the present. The phrase 'tickin' on and on' depicts time slipping away from humanity. Global warming is definitely a theme of this song, Black is imploring that humanity slows down and enjoys the happiness presented before them today.

Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)
Ok. Now here we have an interesting contradiction in terms. Because here the song clearly states 'gotta catch my bus'. Yet the video depicts a car with several 8 year olds within. This presents an interesting literary question. Perhaps Black is referring once again to the communism featured previously in the piece. By defying the 'gotta catch my bus' with the fact that she actually uses a car as transport to her place of learning, perhaps Black is giving us hope that the communists can be beaten. We can only hope.

Further on in the song, we hear,

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
The repetition of the word 'Friday' is to reinforce the idea that yes, it is Friday. Again, reference to the communism presented to society in this age 'gotta get down on Friday'. Perhaps this 'getting down' is a reference to a forced religion that Black's people have been told to follow in which Friday is a day of prayer and one must 'get down' and pray.

Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
So, this phrase presents the listener with the impression that Rebecca Black has been taken against her will. The fact that the car they are in may be breaking the speed limit, Black is wanting 'time to fly' and is repeating to herself to 'think about fun' implies that events have taken a subtle turn for the worst. Black is trying to present the listener with the knowledge that wherever you are, whatever you are doing and whoever you are with, kidnapping and rape is always just around the corner. This is presenting a dark, untrustworthy society to the listener.

My friend is by my right
The one on the left may be her kidnapper, a nazi or french. You never know.

Towards the end of the song, we receive a run down of the days surrounding Friday. The purpose of this section of the song is to present to the listeners and to the media the predictability of society. The fact that murder, rape and war is the norm at this point in history is being deplored by Black at this point.

In conclusion, 'Friday' by Rebecca Black is a revolutionary song that has been underestimated amongst the media and has been publically shunned from release. However its messages against communism and the superficiality of society are to be remembered through generations.

Jks it's bs.

Eda

OK, forgive me for posting twice in one day - trust me it won't happen again.

However, I promised Eda I would devote a post to her. So, I am. I first met Eda in year 7, back in the day, at my bus stop. As I have always been a socially awkward child (see 2 posts back for proof) my mother accompanied me to the bus (hindsight makes me cringe). She said to Eda

"Are you in 7 Red, Tabby's in 7 red too" As she did this, she shoved me towards Eda and left.

In year 7 Eda was a strange, damaged child. Mostly, we hung out on the bus. So the majority of my fond memories of Eda in year 7 are o

f the bus. Damaged Child was one I look back on now and realise we were a group of l'il psychopaths. When Eda fell on her head in Gym (something that may give some insight into why Eda's insane) we had the joke that she was now brain damaged --- a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE game. She basically acted retarded until we all got off the bus and off to our little homes. Also on the bus, we had fun playing a game we liked to call 'Tesco Swirl'. It basically involved running down the middle of the bus while going round a large roundabout. At one point - Eda thought it normal to grab on to Daggi's hair and swing on it. I laughed. Hard.

Through the years, Eda has never ceased to scare teachers, scare year 7s and terrify her mates. I think one of the funniest things is that we actually aren't allowed to work together in Drama. The Ash Girl incident was too much for Drama Teacher I feel, and she didn't want to go through the ordeal of slowly watching us destroy what was a shizz play anyway. So, it's not, do you have to work with Eda? You know you don't work well. It's NO YOU CANNOT WORK WITH EDA - YOU WILL KILL EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE THAT EVER WAS DEVISED OR DEVISED THEMSELVES. She's a strange child. And she calls everyone child - that's another thing - I learned today that she refers to her grandparents as 'child'. I lol. She's in love with English Teacher ---- as is everyone in my class cos English Teacher is epic. But she doesn't shut up about her.

Eda here you go. This is your blog. Oooh. AND YOU CAN TELL EVERYBODYYYYY.

THIS IS YOUR BLOOOOOOG
IT MAY BE QUITE SIMPLE BUT

NOW THAT ITS SOMETHING-THAT-RHYMES-WITH-BLOOOOOOOG

Yeah - Jessie writes songs - I don't. I find long ways of saying simple things.

Farewell.