V and Eda <-- again :/

V - Velcro. I like velcro, it generally makes life a lot easier, unless it's evil velcro. Everyone has experienced the good, helpful velcro. The kind of velcro that says 'hey, how are you, I value your time and I know you have to get your shoes on quickly, so just slap me around your feet and i'll make sure those bitches you call shoes stay on and give your feet the warmth they deserve'. However there is the evil velcro. This velcro lives to destroy you slowly. It waits in the dark until you finally succumb and decide that you must use the device it currently inhabits - shoes or a something else with velcro on. Then, when you are starting to trust this velcro, happy with it's initial loyalty - lulled into a false sense of security - it tries to kill you. It may latch on to hair - stick to your unsuspecting, innocent head and attack you from the face.

And that is why I don't trust velcro.

So, I was told to write about Eda. Again. So, I will update you in the Eda times. Not much has really happened. OH MY GOD I FORGOT. Eda now has braces. It's scary. As in when she wants to be scary, Eda can now be seriously scary. I'm kind of nervous now of what to write - cos seriously she could be the Terminator. Eda knows i'm joking - she knows I love her :P . But even so - Terminator.

U

U -Underage cockyness. I am speaking, of course, not about all year 7s, 8s and 9s but of the ones who stand infront of you in a corridor, motionless while you struggle to get past. I am speaking of the ones who laugh at you as you casually fall over infront of the giant windows in the canteen. I am speaking of the children who take the last fish and chips at lunch right before you, the children who take your seat on the bus. These children, year 11, should be stopped. If we don't then who will? Who will stop these bubbas if we don't? The next generation of year 11? No. Year 11, I have learned that violence is not the way with year 7s. Teachers don't seem to see the need for hitting the years below us. Neither can you swear at them. Year 11, we cannot torment nor bully them - we need to stay good for sixth form otherwise we'll all die.

So, how do we stop them? Simples. We can't. There will always be annoying year 7s, as all years below your current age group will be stupid and infuriating - it is something that we have to learn to live with. I'm sorry, but for now we just have to make do with the issues presented by these pre-pubescent children. For example, to ensure no year 7s get fish and chips on Fridays just take away the chips. Steal them. Chips are the only reason people buy fish and chips - so steal the chips and, if you're feeling particularly profitable, sell them to year 10 and above. BANG. Problem solved. :/ .

Hope this has helped the year 11s of Great Britain in their plight against the babies of our secondary schools. And to any year 7s who are starting secondary school in the summer - ignore this post - please don't freak out about being physically abused by older years - it's not that bad. Joking. It's fine. Please don't commit suicide - would put a downer on my, like, life.

Bye. xx

My Favourite Letters - R, S and T

R - Running. The point is useless. Unless, of course, you are running from an impending zombie apocalypse, rapist or angry year 11 student. I do understand that many people enjoy running, as you can probably tell, I am not one of those people. I cannot run. I do not wish to run. When I run, I look like a cross between a drunk baby and bambi who cannot yet walk. It's truly horrific. If you enjoy running and are gifted in the art of moving rapidly, good for you. I am not.

S - Sixth Form is two words that are guaranteed to make any

year 11 urinate on themselves. The fear was never prominent before. As we go through our school life, our views to our future change in relation to our age.

Year 7 - 'What future?'

Year 8 - 'I want to be a fairy when I grow up'

Year 9 - 'GCSE's? ... hmm sound like a laugh'

Year 10 - 'Should probably think about GCSEs now'

Year 11 - 'SHIT. MUST REVISE CONSTANTLY - I WILL FAIL EXAMS - NO SIXTH FORM FOR ME - LEAVE WITH NO A LEVELS - WORLD WILL ENNNNNDDDDDDD'

You see my point.

T - I have been asked by three people in my Business class to be featured now. We shall call them 'The Three Muskateers' to make the T letter. Eda, Oliv

ia and Alice. They are three strange people. Now, many people at school are odd - the majority of people. But if being wierd was rock music, these three would be Aerosmith. We have mentioned Eda recently - we all know she is bizarre. Olivia is slightly more sane. Oh our Chemistry times are funny. As no one is allowed to sit next to me anymore in Chemistry, Olivia and Sophie are my only friends. Sad I know - but since Jessie had been cruelly snatched from my friendship by the blonde-haired, chemical obsessed teacher - I have had little human contact. So Liv is an epic ginger distraction. :) . Finally - Alice. On a serious note - Alice is one of THE funniest people I have ever met. THE funniest. Alice - if you feel this blog is worthy of your reading - you are epic - please don't EVER mature.

OK, so since the Russian Spy told me to go back to my seat before The Three Muskateers told me anything else about what they requested from this blog - I shall leave it here with my favourite image of the century. Enjoy.

O - Q

O – Orangeness. Orange people belong in the chocolate factory singing verses of chirpy songs and dying their hair green, not on the streets of Tonbridge. It’s become such an issue nowadays that people are starting to blend in with phone shops such as ‘Orange’ and sunsets. I say, ditch the expensive foundation that has become permanently stuck to Britain’s face, drink Sunny D – it’s a lot cheaper and only takes a couple of years to orange up your little pale face. :/ .

P – I had difficulty thinking of subjects beginning with P. So, like with all difficult questions in life, I turned to Google. Google was useless. It gave me this word, however, which i LOVED. Apparently a plasmodiophoraceae is a real word. It is a family of fungi that often cause hypertrophy in seed plants. I suppose that could be fairly annoying.

Q – I enjoyed this greatly. Quentin Blake is one of my favourite illustrator – to be honest he’s the only illustrator that I know the name of and so exists in my world - like saying Barack Obama is my favourite black president. So anyway – BACK TO THE POINT.

It looks like the little happy stick people are enjoying a quick rape while promoting the children’s book.

Okily Dokily – small nugget of funny things that I have encountered recently.

A very good friend of mine, we shall call her Kiefer, after reading my blog in History a couple of days ago, turned to me in shock. She stared at me in such a cold manner I was convinced she was staring right into my soul and slowly crushing it. It was the kind of stare that makes your head scream at you to turn away and yet you find yourself drawn to the stare, not able to move or even breathe. It was pretty intense. After a few blood-freezing seconds, she slowly said to me the following, “you think Lady Gaga has a place in this world???? LADY GAGA HAS ONLY A PLACE IN AN ASYLUM” Lady Gaga has a place in this world Kiefer. Deal with it.

M, N and Some Random Shizz

M – Moderation. I’m talking about the boring kind of moderation, the kind which makes it socially unacceptable to consume every type of fast food in the Tunbridge Wells food court in a single sitting :/ . Chocolate, booze, energy drinks and fast food was placed on this earth to make people happy, among the negativities of life – war, poverty, abuse, Fred – God gave the humans hope. So why introduce moderation with these joys? Moderation kills happiness. Whoever invented moderation should be ashamed of themselves, hang their head in shame and feel the fury of the human race as the wrath of angry teenagers unable to chocolate binge for the guilt and shame that follows descends upon their sorry souls.

N – Yesterday, I was in a computer room for a lesson. This allowed me to use the internet to gain knowledge, understand views and opinions of great figures in history and apprehend the basic structure of society and the world around us. It also meant I could Google necrophilia. This is what Wikipedia told me ... ‘In some societies the practice was enacted owing to a belief that the soul of an unmarried woman would not find peace; among the Kachin ofMyanmar, versions of a marriage ceremony were held to lay a dead virgin to rest, which would involve intercourse with the corpse.’ THEY MARRIED DEAD PEOPLE AND THEN FUCKED THEM :/. Why?

Anyway, that over – I need to cover some aspects of life that have recently been of interest to myself and my peers. The use of the word ‘lol’ in every day language is a growing issue in Britain. I have no aversion to the use of the word ‘lol’ when in a facebook conversation that is getting boring (the word has now become a universally known way of saying “you said hi, I said hi, we talked for three minutes, now i’m bored so please don’t reply to this” or, in a less polite way “fuck off”). But when it gets casually shoved into a conversation between two live people (not dead ones – necrophiliac) it is wrong – Imogen Davnall – I agree with you.

And now - as she asked on the bus - Edazor zis is for you

I-L and HARRY POTTER

Guten morgen, or should i say guten evening...

How are you l'il chipmunks. So - i feel i should continue with the alphabet but still keep the ranting alive.

I = Illness. It's kind of an obvious one. Not many people like it - unless it does something for you in a creepy, sexual way... ew. But anyway illness can be avoided by not leaving the safety of your house, room or bed. This way no germs can reach you, nor can you infect any other perfectly healthy living people. For your health, for your safety and for your own good population, i urge you to stay within the confines of your duvet (or if you know me well, davet - available from Amazon in 'Hungry Dave', 'Dave Eating' or the new limited edition 'Thumbs up Dave')and help fight the war that is forming around our very beings - the war on illness. Peace.

J - JLS. Again, kind of obvious. Here are the little freaks.



???????????????? APPEAL IS WHAT????
I'm pretty sure in this picture they've acquired a new member - was there always 5? Who knows. Anyway - JLS annoy me greatly. It's not even the cheesy and puke-inducing songs - it's the fact that their audience don't know any better. The majority of the fans of JLS are, in actual fact, 7 years old or such and such... these are 4 (or 5, I don't know) like, 25 year olds making 7 year old girls jizz... SICK. SICK BASTARDS.

K - Kesha - i know i'm veering into a kind of pop blog here, but why does she exist on our earth. Listening to Tik Tok (which is too an awful spelling to even comprehend) makes any decent human being want to punch young Kesha in the face and return to the norm by continuing to worship Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson, Queen and the many other actual rebellious figures in pop culture that HAVE WORTH IN THIS WORLD. ANGER.

L - Larryment. We all have to endure it. The crushing, self confidence killing, sweaty experience of larryment. It happens every so often when the person you normally hang out with is away. It happens every so often when the person you normally hang out with is ill. It happens every so often when the person you normally hang out with is allowed to stay off school IF THEY UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER. No one in specific in mind here... :/ . Anyway, my advice for when one finds oneself in a position of larryment is to simply remain calm. Those walking in the opposite direction to you do not know that you are terrified, nor do they need to know, as screaming at them to help you will not help you. Or your sanity. If you need to perform a task on your own, I find it helpful to comment on what you are doing, it doesn't need to be to anyone, just mumble it to yourself. I find this allows me to focus on the task and not the fact that people are staring at me. If this fails, which it may do, simply refer to yourself in the third person when mumbling. Many people i know, including myself, do this and find it hugely successful. Here's an example, if I was in detention by my larrysome, and i had to take the paper bins out it would sound like so.

"now, Tabs is picking up C1's paper bin"
"Tabs is now opening the door, glaring at a year 7 who decided to stop in the MIDDLE OF THE CORRIDOR"
"Tabs is now picking up C2's paper bin"
"Tabs is now bored"
"Tabs is now dumping the bins in the big white ones outside C4"

and life continues :).


So - that over - i feel the need to share with you guys the awesomeness that happened to me and the rest of year 11. I had DEFENCE AGAINST THE RAPE ARTS. I feel like Harry Potter.

E-H

So, the time has come once again to update. So, how are you guys?
On with the alphabet.

E - Elephants are too big. I know it's kind of a random yet obvious point to make, but it's true. Everyone's supposed to be in awe of these massive, grey blobs and I suppose baby ones are cute and they can be pretty awesome sometimes. But when you do venture out of your house into the unknown world and spend a day at the zoo, you spend about £10 to watch elephants eating, sleeping or shitting. It's NOT MONEY WORTHY. If I wanted to watch animals shit, I would go to the monkey enclosure - at least its entertaining cos they eat it... some good times. So what I suppose i'm saying is that elephants aren't a problem to society, it's just having the public pay extortionate amounts to watch them go about their lives.

F - I was going to talk about facism here cos i felt intellectual, but as it turns out i just spend an hour and 15 minutes writing whatever I could about The General Strike and I can't do anymore history. Instead, I will talk about a much more light hearted but equally infuriating subject. This guy.



I think it's great, don't get me wrong, that this guy's hilarious and he's been recognised, so it's not too much this side of what he's done that pisses me off.



ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER
WHY DO THIS? People in the world live in poverty, starvation, other mean things, and he feels the need to make them suffer this too? HE'S GONE CORPORATE ... and this angers me muchly. The songs included in his album are too awful to put into this blog because there are some things a person shouldn't write about another human being in a blog. So, before I kill someone, i'm moving on.

G - Getting sacked. Don't judge, it counts as a G. So, many people fear being fired or sacked, it inhibits production in the workplace and lowers self esteem. This fear can be self destructive as well as destructive to those around the sufferer. One of my best cures for this fear has been tried and tested and has worked for every sufferer I know that fears being sacked. Don't get a job. Then you can't be fired, nor do you have to leave your bed, get dressed, or live like a normal person. It's a good way of life... or so i've been told. Weekends are always a rave.

H - Human centipedes. You know the scary thing about this whole story is that some maniac wanted to ACTUALLY do this. :o. What has to go so horribly wrong in your life that will make you want to, and yes, fantasise about, this kind of thing. Too gross. The film is not only sick, but in terms of directing, storyline and acting, it was shit. And yet, it's the kind of film that gets everyone talking, like seriously talking, and you don't really want to watch it on your own but you want to know what happens, so you wikipedia the plot and read it with a permanent grimace on your face and then go puke. And that, is why so many people like it. I'm not one of those people. I prefer films with substance. Like Horton hears a who and The Sorcerers's Apprentice.

So, that's your lot for today. As Eda wanted to be part of the next blog, I will add in an extra little nugget of joy for her. Edazor Bozan is a strange little child. We aren't allowed to work together in Drama. She likes diet coke and ice cream in the morning. She's met the tall guy from Diversity. She goes mental in my car and thinks my dad's name is Mark-with-a-C. When her dog was a puppy he got medicine on my new black shirt and her hair can defy gravity. So, Eda hope that suffices. Au revior peeps.

Okay - so it's going to take me a while but during the next few blog posts i'm probably going to be doing this alphabet of problems, but it's going to take a few posts over the next few weeks. Today we look at the possibility of apocalypse, blondism, we worry about career prospects and glance at a few dead people. Have funsies... but don't get crazy.

A – Apocalypse
Apolcalypse is a very real, very imminent prospect. With the number of zombie population on a steady increase, the idea of an apocalypse of this nature is certainly probable. Therefore, I believe it is important to have a plan in case of said invasion. For example, it will be invariably necessary to have a location to use in which to meet and confer with others, this location must be carefully chosen and changed yearly, in case one of your colleagues is indeed, a zombie.


B - Blondism
Blondism is a serious mental illness that affects the behaviour, feelings and thoughts of a person. A person can be temporary blond, blond on a recurring basis, or permanently blond. Please note, the colour of a person’s hair does not contribute to nor dismiss the prospect of blondism. A blond person can happily live their life free of blondism, and yet brunettes and even gingers can suffer greatly from the illness. Those who experience recurring attacks of blondism are often known to make stupid comments, fall over, act in a publically inappropriate way or shut off parts of their brain during conversation, for example the section that differs between a normal thing to say and a random, idiotic remark. One of the most notable sufferers of blondism is Beccy, and while her blondism only takes the form of temporary moments of illness, her awesome ability to cover up the blondism makes it barely noticeable and at times adds to her insanely brilliant character (that’s me trying to make up for lightly insulting a bmfl – we’re used to it – it’s what we do).


C – Career Prospects
Career Prospects are bitches – they seek to destroy your hopes and dreams and encourage you to settle for work in prostitution for the rest of your career-less life. That is what school and A-level choices has taught me. Life is SO much easier when you are 5 or 6, not only do you have colouring in for ‘homework’, but you either want to be an actress, a singer, a fireman, a policeman or a ballerina. It’s a simple life. Every 5 year old is only the happy, smiling toddler that we so often trip over because its career prospects are set in total stone it its happy, smiling little mind. But, no, as soon as you turn 14 you have to actually think about what you want to do and you come to the realisation that you have no idea and this realisation is followed by the dread as you further realise that you will end up living in a shed with a small job in fireplace maintenance and spending your free time stalking the successful people from your teenage past... breathe is a funny word.


D – Dead people
I see dead people... like everyday – i work in a morgue it’s normal. I’m joking i don’t work in a morgue yet – it’s just another exciting career prospect :/. Anyway, dead people don’t do anyone any favours. When they die it’s sad. When they’re dead they’re scary. When they come back as zombies it is an inconvenience of a scary nature. So, my solution to the problem of dead people, is obviously not to die. I know it’s not the best of solutions but if we all lived in boxes, no one could get ill and if we had food and water, we could very easily survive for longer periods of time? I don’t know. Probably wouldn’t work. But, going on with this theory, for reproduction purposes, separate larger boxes could be used. However that brings up the subject of birth which is a fairly messy matter and would not work well in a box... that also brings up the prospect of waste. Hmmmm, also if someone did die – it would completely defeat the object of the boxes because then they would be dead and gross but everone would be surrounding a dead guy in a box. Not good. Scrap that, we’ll stay living out of boxes :).

Btw - i was looking through some pictures of puppies cos i was gonna have some images to accompany this post and i found this slightly cruel yet sadly entertaining image.



it's a puppy - dressed as a teddy ... make up your mind, cruel or entertaining? I think both but it does heighten the cuteness - as in cruelly entertaining.

In the next post i'll probably be talking about Gillian McKieth, Fascism, Elephants and centipedes of the human nature. Have fun with your life :)