The British and Their Pets

Cats, dogs, hamsters, guinea pigs, rabbits, horses, spiders, snakes, alligators, whales, dinosaurs, insects, frogs, Boris Johnson - the British have a weird attitude to pets. In our homes, they assume the role of another family member, while not contributing the upkeep of the household, requiring vets bills and food, and constantly sleeping. But we love them, perhaps because they depend on us (hamsters and guinea pigs), perhaps because they can last a long time and stay with us for some number of years (horses, spiders and tortoises) or perhaps simply because they're cute and fluffy in an insane kind of way (Boris Johnson).

The point of this post, really, is because on Tuesday 25th September, 2012, my cat, Tug was put down. At the grand age of 15, myself and my sister had grown up with him, and he was my mother's third child practically. I didn't know how to approach this post, so here's some of my favourite photos of Tuggles. Enjoy :). 

 

He's either an incredibly pissed off kitty, or he's trying to entice the
camera with smoldering looks. I believe it's the latter. 

BAD EXPOSURE CUDDLES

Bullied into dressing up, Christmas 2011 - he enjoyed it secretly 

A much loved cat of 15 amazing years

On the topic of pets - Scooby the hamster has a blog and twitter - his first post is up - follow him on blogger and twitter :) http://whatdoesscoobydoo.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/scooby-does-memes.html 

Why Short Hair is a Beast

There are many reasons why short hair can make life awesome. I know what you're thinking - this is just going be another generic post where she lists certain aspects of one part of her life, and rest assured. That is sooo what this post is.
1. Short hair means that it isn't easily grabbed. Why is this a bonus? For obvious reasons - why are you even asking if it's obvious. God reader - you're so single minded... If your hair is close to your head, murderers, rapists, muggers, bullies and Sarah cannot use it against you. Simples.
2. Kind of following on from point 1 - short hair is easier to contain in such every day situations as hurricanes, when on a roller coaster, when being held upside down by a troll in the girl's bathroom. To fully understand this phenomenon we must first look at the alternative. Long hair is flowy, easily caught up in roller coaster machinery and annoying for the troll holding you upside down in the girl's bathroom. With the bonus of a smaller hair radius, these painful situations can be avoided. Apart from the troll one, that bitch was planned by an evil wizard who currently resides on the back of your Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher's head, no hair radius is gonna solve that.
3. Long hair can (not always) mean evil. Look at Osama Bin Laden - that beard was the longest mofo ever. Other beards were terrified of it, feeling inadequate in their mass and volume. Obviously this backs up my point enough cos we all knew how much of a bitch Bin Laden was. I rest my case.
4. Short hair is more fun. Let me ask you a question. Can you with your long hair - manipulate it into one single horn on top of your head, and spend half an hour pretending to be a Triceratops? I didn't think so. I can. Sucks to be you really. And I have short arms - now I can be a T-Rex and a Triceratops. I feel your jealousy.
BYE

Oh, it's been a while...

So, Wednesday has been and gone and then been again, and then fricked off again. That's a bit awkward. So this is a walrus, created on a Saturday - I called it Jack-Dawson-From-Titanic-Alrus, for your reading pleasure.
Also, while I have your obvious undivided attention, there are some matters that have recently arisen which must be addressed. One of these is a specific advert. It's an advert which you may have come into contact with, and you will know if you have, for a Magnum Infinity. In this particular advert, a woman, who is wearing wayy too bright a dress, eats the Magnum and then it just reappears. This has to be false advertising? My poor cognitively challenged sister spent a good period of time searching YouTube and Google to see 'how it grows back'. There must be others in this world who will be utterly disappointed when they buy their Magnum Infinity and then realise that actually, it is just an ice cream. There are no magical powers. God is not making his presence known through the medium of this particular ice cream. Obviously on the basis of this advert I am likely to never purchase a Magnum again, and rest assured, a strongly worded email has been sent. This. Is. Not. Chill. (Lol - puns ftw). Little mini-rant over. Enjoy

The Caravan Times

Oh Hai. I'm in my caravan. Why? I hear you ask through the continuums of time and internet as by the time you are probably reading this i will have hopefully been let into my home. I am in my caravan because karma my friends, does not exist. It's the first day of the Easter holidays, and yet I still found myself at school for the English Language revision times. I know. I'm such a devoted student, it's almost like i want to succeed in the future. However, I soon discover that due to my dedication to my studies, I have in fact left my house without a key. So now I sit, bored of practice English Language papers because my educational awesomeness can only go so far, in my caravan in my front drive with a warm can of 55p Dr Pepper and a netbook that is only just picking up the wifi from my house.

I was just about to wrap up this post when a drunk guy walked down the alley next to my house. It was funneh.

Aaaaaaannnyyway, this is my predicament at this time of writing. Just thought i should let you guys know in case you wondered to yourself 'huh, I wonder what Tabs was doing at 5:00 this evening'. This is your answer.

BYE

Sarah's Birthday Message

I Am So Tired...

... my eyes feel like they're conducting a terrorist attack on my face

... I make dead people look like the picture of sunshine

... when I close my eyes, I find myself in an alternative dimension, with chickens... and sporks

... my arms feel like pillows... PILLOWS OF LEAD

... when I yawn, severe weather warnings are issued

... I screamed at my blanket because it wasn't 'blanket-y enough'

... my face is melting off my head

... i'm praying for a random coma possession where I go into a world of dead people and get trapped by a guy with a red face

... South Park doesn't make sense

... i'm hallucinating white specks in the sky

Just thought I should let you know... cos you all care so much about my tired-ness. I JUST WANT TO SLEEEEEEEEEEP.

Literature at its best

Are you looking for that new, innovative hobby that will expand your mind and improve your every day life? Do you crave the opportunity to challenge your literature-loving side? Or are you searching for a sure A grade in AS level English lit? Either way, this brand new phenomenon from Eskimos Have Souls Too is sure to change your life and your literature grade. Take the plunge into this ocean of intellectual godliness and feel yourself tread the waters of lexis and semantics, feel the tide sweep you away from the safety of Enduring Love, Shakespeare, Keats and Hardy and into the unknown depths of Death of A Salesman, A Puppet Tale.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQpU9Tq5ho0&context=C3e2a988ADOEgsToPDskI625ze5pNiHI-3D4WBU6pM

Enjoy. Comment. Rate. Subscribe.

The Kitchen Chronicles

A hypothetical-New-Years party may sound slightly confusing, especially seen as it is in fact new years eve at this very moment in time – however that is where the modifier ‘hypothetical’ comes in. Basically, a group of 20 people getting drunk in a conservatory in Hadlow, choking on fumes from the duck roles that had been in the microwave for ten minutes, helping certain children chunder their Strongbow into the only available toilets and climbing over fences dressed as a giant pink bunny, with a cow struggling to make it over in heels. Good times. However, there comes a point at every party, when those who will chunder have chundered, there’s one solitary can of Strongbow left in the cold water bucket and the ones who haven’t already passed out are nestling down to sleep next to their drunken brethren. This is when I, last night, was hit with one of the most random urges not to sleep - ever. So, to pass my time, myself, the duck role annihilator and Carney sat in the conservatory watching the kitchen. People, what you are about to read may shock you. It may even disturb you. The content is not suitable for readers with heart conditions, or heavily pregnant women. Please keep your arms and legs inside the proverbial carriage of shock at all times.

At 2:28 AM – one Emily Squirrell (or Squizz)entered the kitchen. We weren’t really sure what she was doing but were told later she was getting a drink.

At 2:37 AM – Hannah (or Loompy / Midget ) was wearing glasses when she entered the kitchen. Intriguing. She looked at Tabs and laughed before complaining about the orange hanging on the door and told us that Naomi (a chunderer who was currently groaning on the sofa on the opposite side of the room with her head in the grey bucket of doom) would ‘feel shit tomorrow’. She left.

At 2:41 AM – Shannen (Shanola) enquired as to what Tabs was doing and got a drink of water before leaving to return to the other room

2:45 AM – Carney got a drink, hid something culinary in his jacket, went into the other room and shortly returned to his rightful place in the conservatory.

At precisely 2:48 AM – Jamie looks around the kitchen, before getting a drink of water, looking round some more and STEALING 3 LOAVES OF BREAD, before leaving. Things are getting beefy.

At 3:02 – Tom and Shannen walk through the kitchen into the conservatory where the Hitler of duck roles told them what Tabs was doing, despite being told not to... awks. Anyway they had a conversation about a Spanish masseuse named Pedro and left.

At 3:19 – The duck role whore puts make up on, brushes her hair and leaves the room before returning instantly, interestingly.

This repeated at 3:22 when the duck role executioner left, wandered, got a drink and returned.

At 3:33 (make a wish) – Dave (or Immy) goes into the kitchen, fills the jug that Naomi was drinking from while puking with water and drinks from it. Grim. She looks sexy and returns looking angry and dishevelled. Tabs makes a point of telling Dave about the jug, but she doesn’t really listen and collapses on the floor again.

At 3:36 – Chloe goes into the kitchen, gets a drink and sits down in the kitchen mouthing at Tabs to ‘go away’. Very interesting.

3:38 – Carney leaves to get more paper for Tabs after talking to Chloe in the kitchen for a bit

At 3:40 – Chloe leaves, but returns quickly to borrow the camera and take a picture of Ying and Sam asleep on the stairs.

3:42 – The duck-rolinator and Sam talk in the kitchen, there is a lot of hand gestures and shaking of heads. Things were getting interesting. Sam enters the conservatory. His make-up is smudged.

3:44 – Josie wakes up and goes into the kitchen – gives thumbs up, finds a mug and gets a drink of water before returning to the conservatory.

3:45 – Chloe returns to get a drink of Dr Pepper but she sees me watching and leaves.

3:48 – Hannah goes to the toilet

Nothing much really happens for while now until...

4:33 – Naomi wakes up and stumbles out of the conservatory muttering the words ‘I feel rough’. We all take a moment to appreciate the beauty of this spoken thought.

4:39 – Naomi returns to the kitchen from the other room and puts something in the bin, she looks around, asks where the cups are and gets a drink / cleans her iPod. Not really sure why she did that but she did and it has been documented. She looks at me, asks what i’m doing and returns to the conservatory

4:42 – Squizz enters the kitchen, gets Fanta, leaves

4:43 – Squizz returns to the kitchen and converses with Naomi – they look casual.

4:47 – Carney and Josie enter the kitchen and shake hands, they laugh at a pizza cutter – i later learned that Carney was in fact threatening Josie with the Italian slicing tool, but at the time all was harmless.

4:51 – Naomi enters the kitchen and picks up the bucket, Ying enters the kitchen and they both enter the conservatory. We were gathering members of the conservatory party (it’s like conservative party – get the joke.).

At 4:59 the Hadlow duck role massacre perpetrator had her quote of the week – when Sam told us he had slept for 20 minutes. The exterminator of all things duck roley said that she had entered and left the room several times while he was asleep, with the phrase ‘enough time for me to pop in and out, in and out, in and out’. Much hilarity ensued.

5:02 – Jack wakes up and goes to the toilet.

5:06 – Carney plants a dinosaur-like school photo of Kennet infront of the sleeping Dave

5:07 – Squizz and Jamie enter the kitchen, Squizz has a drink, Jamie blatantly has a hangover and there is no bread in sight... interesting

5:10 – Dave gets up and drinks from the sick jug... AGAIN. Stupid.

5:12 – We were delivered with Carney’s knowledge of the week – that in fact men are women for the first two weeks of gestation until they ‘just grow a penis’.

5:32 – The duck role tormentor ran to the kitchen because she had Fanta coming out her nose.

5:33 – Izzy (another chunderer) wakes up and just makes it to the kitchen – a few walls were walked into.

5:36 – Izzy returns from the kitchen with her glasses and a sleeping bag and agrees that at this moment in time she is ‘5 out of 10 drunk’

Finally at 5:44 – Jack creates inappropriate scenes with a Santa toy and a reindeer toy. Carney is aroused.

So that was all the time I was supposed to be asleep for :D. Good times.

Alleyway Ironing Board

So, it's the last week of term before Christmas. It's been a long week. However, every morning I open my Homer Simpson advent calender, eat the plastic chocolately goodness presented and head off into the oblivion of the morning with a Homer Simpson scarf (I genuinely hadn't noticed a Homer Simpson obsession until now) and a bitch of a cold.

On Monday, I set out down the alley that I walk down every morning to see...

AN IRONING BOARD set out and behold, in the alleyway next to my house, like a Christmas miracle was... an ironing board.

And it wasn't even just dumped there by the notorious furniture dumpers of Kent - it was proudly standing in the middle of the path... WHY

Then the next day, as I ventured down the path, I discovered it had moved down the path. WHO CAN BE BOTHERED TO DO THAT? All week, this ironing board has been moving down the alleyway, standing up in the middle of the path.

I've started to fear it, thinking maybe, if I get too confident and stray too close to the phantom ironing board it might stab me or shoot me or just be really, really mean :(. I'm avoiding it. I walk very quickly around it as far as i can away from it. I'm risking the creepy murderers to dwell in the bushes because i can't face the ironing board from hell.

Here is an photo that I took of the culprit. Make of it what you will...

It's Another School Post

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I don't like school that much :( YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Momentary Panics

These are moments in which your whole world comes crashing down for a split second before you realise just how much of an idiot you actually are. If they say heart attacks take years off your life - then these panics must shorten your lifetime by about an hour each time, probably. Just in case you are not with me and about to click away from the post because you think it's finally happened, and I have finally gone insane, I will give you some examples.

I was just casually drinking some hot chocolate, because I was cold and had no food of which to comfort eat. When I was casually drinking this, I missed my mouth, totally, and poured hot chocolate down my scarf and onto my arm, cue momentary panic that somehow, this hot chocolate would STAIN MY ARM. As in, it would never come off my arm, because the only way you get rid of stains is in a washing machine, and i can't put my arm in washing machine - it DOESN'T WORK.

Other examples of momentary panic:

- When you misjudge the last step of a flight of stairs and for a moment, you are hurtling towards a terrifying death as your foot falls an inch further than expected.

- When you're desperately looking for your phone / iPod / kitten, expecting the worst, almost in tears as your desperation turns to savagery and you search through your bag, only to realise that it is in fact in your hand.

- When you're sitting on a train, very tired after a long day of playing cards and drinking dr pepper, and there's the panic when you realise you have been daydreaming and for a second you truly believe that you have missed your stop and you are somewhere in Norway even though it's technically impossible BECAUSE YOU LIVE ON AN ISLAND.

- When you're watching DIY SOS and there's the tense moment when you don't know if they are tears of joy or distress.

This has all happened to me. Don't judge.

:)

The Return

Hello, how are you? Dead? No, you're not because i am addressing you and i wouldn't be addressing you if you were dead. I don't mix with those types. Not since the incident.

So anyway - my point is that i am going to be posting a bit more now that i can :). Because, you know, my life was so busy all those months ago. Those online tetris battles were getting intense. I know what you're thinking - she's just joking about spending all her time playing tetris and entering card trick competitions while her parents are out and can't hear her performing to her poor poor webcam. So, to prove you disbelieving haterssss wrong, here are some card trick videos. Please feel free to contact Jesus - tell him there's another godly power in this world and that he can just settle for second place in the deity Olympics.

http://www.youtube.com/my_videos?feature=mhee

A Letter for Jessie

Dear Jessie

You do make me giggle with your eccentricities and strange if slightly racist comments in our English lessons. We have had some funny fun-times. Ahhhh. Thinking of them now makes me want to go outside and find some friends who have lives. However, I do believe that our Chemistry times make Chemistry teacher want to kill us and all our living relatives and loved ones... such fun.

So Jessie I feel mean for not including you in a post. I'm very sorry dear, i'm also very sorry for gettting so angry when you refer to yourself in the third person.

IT'S THE THIRD PERSON JESSIE. THE THIRD PERSON IS NOT TO BE USED BY YOURSELF.

So anyway. Some of my favourite funny times include, yes, the incident with Scary Short Welsh Head of Year 13. Ahhh, too funny. I have only run from one teacher in my time a Weald, and it will always be her. Just thinkin

g about her cold, soulless eyes, her crop of horn-hiding hair and her general lack of height makes me think of you and all our times with her :D .

I hope this post has sufficed Jessie B and to ensure this I have included a picture of which I have lived my life by, except for the fact that I don't like coffee. Substitute it with Monster.

Excitation and ALICE

Alors,

How are you guys? Apologies for the lack of postage.I was sleeping.

Excited

It's 3 days guys. 3 days. Those of you who are thinking, 3 days? 3 days? I've forgotten something. WHO'S GOD DAMN BIRTHDAY IS IT? WHY HAVE I FORGOTTEN? OH DEAR GOD, I'M A SICK EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING. Yes. Yes you are a sick excuse for a human being. The Nintendo 3DS, my friends who have lives, the Nintendo 3DS is out in 3 days. I despise you for not being excited. I'm excited. I'm not even getting one in 3 days. I'm getting one in August. On my birthday. In August. On the 28th August. In 5 months time. Yet i'm weeweeing at the prospect of the 3DS.

Alice

So I have to write a post today apparently, and in this post I am to include one Alice Ferguson.

Alice is a funny child.

She is married to English Teacher because of their shared love for brie.

Today she was unexpectedly attacked by Eda which resulted in mass hilarity amongst people.

She enjoys pulling caves to which she has given birth to.

Her Disney song recital skills are immense.

Her forehead is also famous.

And this is why we love Alice Ferguson. She's a babe.

Oh, btw, Katie Price and Kate Middleton use iPhone to get plastic surgery in Fukushima.

Yahoo

I don't know if anyone really pays much attention to the 'Trending now' box on Yahoo home page. I do. When i'm bored / doing homework / revising / watching TV i like to go on Yahoo home page and made headlines out of this 'Trending now' section. Don't judge me, I have a small life. I will from now on be sharing these with you lovely people. Here is one for today.

The actual parts from Yahoo are in bold for your easy viewing.

Noel Fielding cures prostate cancer as Jessica Alba convinces Man U to play in Lingerie.

You try it. It's more fun that you think it is. Well it is for me anyway.

Cheese.

Pictures

I recently had an incredibly boring Life Skills lesson for which I was in a computer room. It was about jobs and careers... sickening. So anyway I wasn't going to sit and learn about the world of work with Life Skills teacher peering over my shoulder and telling me off for eating a lolly. It was a good lolly. Cola flavoured. Nom. So anyway - I was sitting on some website about jobs and other shizz when Microsoft paint called to me. I drew a picture and e mailed it to my good friend the Joslar. This, is that masterpiece.

Josie then responded with this masterpiece

To which I replied

She then said

I then wrapped up the conversation with this

So that was my Life Skills lesson. One of the most insightful I think i have experienced.

By the way. I'm watching egg heads with my parents - as any cool person does. It makes me SOOOOO happy when they fail. Their smug little faces contort and their stupid minds wither under the embarrassment. Ah good times. :) There's one called Daphne who looks all cute and old and helpless and then as soon as they go into the questions she turns into this.

I LIKE PICTURES :D :D :D

A letter for Beccy

BECCY
Hi BECCY.
You are doing your drama at the moment so you cannot see this. It looks good – very deep. You can’t laugh at the funny bit though my dearest. It may fail. Anyway, this letter is just to say hi. Is this scene a kind of alcoholic meeting or something???? Ooooh. So ma love you seem to be in quite a pickle. If you have lost you pre release booklet then you will surely DIE. Barrett style. I’m bored. You may have guessed. Because of this lonely boredom, I will recall to you my adventures in the story of Dragon Quest 9 of which you just saw me playing. I HATE IT. But I’m addicted at the same time. Scary shizzle. Basically, I defeated the white knight – YES IT’S THE ACTION FIGURE. And now I’m stuck trying to kill some other monster.

You are sitting next to me now so I’m going to go.

Lots of lovesies

TABLARRRR XXX

Annoying Sister is Annoying X(

My sister is a weird and infuriating being. At the moment - she is keeping me up, when I really would like to be far away in sleepy sleep land, by giggling downstairs with one of her year 9 mates. :/ . They are baking.

BAKING.

At 1:00 AM. BAKING. The only people who bake in the early hours of the morning are paedophiles stocking up for a full day of child luring with cakes and biscuits, wedding planners and insomniacs. As my sister fits in to none of those categories, even though one time I did find her eyeing up and Reception kid at my old school christmas fair, she SHOULD NOT BE BAKING IN THE EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING. It's not even good baking. They must be drunk or something cos they put a load of baking powder, flour, milk and red colouring into a baking tray and now it's breathing and bubbling in my oven. Annoying sister is annoying. She should really stop with the unnecessary inventions now. She recently bought a pair of headphones but they were, apparently and I quote "too scratchy" so Sister thought it appropriate to cut up MY TIGHTS and tie them around her headphones. :O . Not scratchy any more though.

So, have you guys ever done anything weird in the middle of the night - keep it clean people - Eda, Jessie, Beccy - don't get too excited this isn't going to turn into some kind of sick chat room where you can share your experiences and get off on others'.

Farewell children and good night

p.s THEY HAVE JUST TURNED THE TV ON FULL VOLUME - I ENVY MY PARENTS SLEEPING ABILITIES

I AM AT SCHOOL

School times are fun. Lessons aren't really, in fact i find the whole concept of school infuriating and a somewhat tiresome affair. At the moment, though, I am writing this on a school computer, so for that reason alone - i love school. I find it fulfilling and innovative. To be honest there really wasn't a point to this. I'm with the Squizz and Robyn with whom I am practicing being posh and up thy self. It's fun. It's the only character I can properly get into. That's what she said. BACK TO THE POINT.

School after hours is pretty scary. The classrooms are eerily dark and lifeless - i mean of course more so than average. And yet, I still really want to encounter a dead guy at school after hours. It's an interesting idea.

OH. I almost forgot. Haha. Such fun. HILLER AND MOORE is starting on Channel 4 this weekend. OMFG myself and Miss Eda Zorbozan are in love with that show. If you are cool you will watch it. WATCH IT NOW.

Bye /xx

Awkward Times

As a fairly awkward person, I feel obligated to share both some awkward memories and some thoughts on awkwardness. Dave asked me to tell a few awkward stories on my blog so I will. First of all however, awkwardness was made by God to hover over society and strike at the worst moment ever - like an S.T.I . Parents know the pain that awkwardness brings to their offspring, yet they constantly bring up conversations starting with,

"So, sex"

"So, contraception"

"Don't have sex dear. You will get pregnant, if you do have to get pregnant though make sure the father isn't ugly. Then the baby may turn out ugly and you won't be able to keep it in the baby room FULL OF BABIES WHEN IT IS BORN COS IT MIGHT SCARE THEM"

BACK TO THE POINT

I was going to talk about a time when I lead my English teacher into believing I was a world class gymnast, but that wasn't really that awkward - I enjoyed pretending to be athletic for a while. So instead, I will have to talk about the little things in life which people view as weird and thus create an uncomfortable atmosphere worthy of turtles. Why is it an awkward turtle? Turtle's aren't that awkward are they? It doesn't really work with anything else though - we're used to awkward turtle - AWKWARD MAMMAL ---- doesn't have the same ring to it... :( . BACK TO THE POINT. Wow, distracted today. Anyway.

Little things, like murmuring to myself often makes people either look at me with sympathy or disgust. If I am supposed to be talking to this person, an awkward atmosphere is created and slowly crushes it's victims in humid despair. It gets even worse, however, as usually I know that I will only feel this awkwardness when I stop talking, so I must continue to talk. One time - I was particularly hyper and sleep deprived and it had the WORST effect ever on my talking. I was in a revision session one lunchtime because I hadn't performed well in a recent exam. No surprises there then. I started basically repeating the last few words of my teacher's sentences to myself. BAD MOVE. She thought I was taking the mickey and stopped talking to glare at me. Suddenly there was this deep, deep silence that I had to fill with murmurings. I had run out of things to say and so it kind of carried on like this:

Me: (along the lines of) should probably stop talking now. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

My brain had frozen so I just repeated the word 'stop' until my teacher gave up and continued the revision. I was relieved. It was the worst moment of my life.