Young Children

I don't understand them, children i mean. I'm just not good with small humans. They always want to interact - which is fine, i'm competent now at interaction, but we seem to have some communication issues. I don't know what the f*** they are saying half the time, and they don't know what the f*** i am saying most of the time. They scream and jump and I mumble and panic, this eventually culminates in me babbling in a corner while small children swarm across the house, as word has gotten out that small child A's babysitter has no balls whatsoever, so now they're playing with the gas fire and smashing the television while a dubstep version of the lazy town theme tune is blazing from a Spongebob speaker and i slowly start to doubt whether or not i'll make it through, or whether they might follow through on their threat of killing me slowly with lego.

I'm not good with kids. They scare me, i'm fine when they're aggressive - you just shove it in a corner and throw chocolate at it until it's quiet for 10 minutes. But most children, I swear to God, play sick mind games. I'm talking about hide and seek. Who the f*** came up with hide and seek? It's just an excuse for the little psycho you are supposed to be looking after to terrify a babysitter by 'hiding' half way up the M25. Not good times.

Their toys also make me want to take everything that is good and peaceful in this world AND DESTROY IT. You can get flashing toys that sit in your peripheral vision until you finally snap and stamp on it, much to your child's anguish. You can get toy ray guns that make a constant wawawawawawawa sound that you can't drown out, ever. But the absolute worst toy in the world, that must have been created by a toy making descendant of Hitler himself, is the toy keyboard - i'm talking about the ones with the alphabet on it. The ones which repeat every letter after you've pressed it in a slimy american accent. The only thing that can rectify this toy's uselessness is the fact that perhaps 30 seconds of entertainment can be found from using the letters F, K, C and U in a particular order and then you're done and the small child finds it and repeatedly presses the letter E while screaming the word 'cat' but you can't tell it that the letter E is not in the word cat because that would be acknowledging the toy's existence, opening the window for interaction with the toy that you will have to engage in because now the child has remembered you exist, and want you to join them in the pressing of the letter E.

This is why I will never succeed as a teenage mother. Or a mother. Or an adult. Or a socially functioning human...

BYE

Things That Are Awesome Things

So it's valentine's day - yay... so very single ... so here are some of the things in life that should lighten the mood for all the single people, and the people in relationships with controlling morons... enjoy :)

1. When they say the title of a movie... IN THE MOVIE.
When this happens, I can literally feel my smile. A few examples include, Insidious, The Matrix, Jurassic Park, Texas Chainsaw Massacre... i could go on. But I won't, for your reading experience. It's even better when the name of the film is said with emphasis, like the director knows you know it's the name of the film and you know the director knows it's the name of the film - it becomes an in joke with the director, like you have one more friend in this lonely existence.

2. When you're playing Doodle Jump and you get the jet pack AND the bubble of invincibility... and you feel like you can do anything.
I mean anything. Every time this happens, there's a sad little part of me that hopes the game will glitch and i'll stay this way FOREVER, conquer the world and become the prime minister of Malaysia. And then it ends and i'm back to my powerless lack of dictatorship.

3. When an assortment of Apple products accumulate in one location.
This is why I spend as much time as I can in the Apple Store. It's something about the way it all looks unique but so TOGETHER. And it's so good to use... and when it's all used together... sharing files and software effortlessly... in such a nice way. It's just so... nice. Omnomnomnomnom.

I'm gonna go watch The Matrix while playing Doodle Jump on my Apple iTouch and pine after Macbooks on Amazon... it's gonna be a good evening guys...

I Am So Tired...

... my eyes feel like they're conducting a terrorist attack on my face

... I make dead people look like the picture of sunshine

... when I close my eyes, I find myself in an alternative dimension, with chickens... and sporks

... my arms feel like pillows... PILLOWS OF LEAD

... when I yawn, severe weather warnings are issued

... I screamed at my blanket because it wasn't 'blanket-y enough'

... my face is melting off my head

... i'm praying for a random coma possession where I go into a world of dead people and get trapped by a guy with a red face

... South Park doesn't make sense

... i'm hallucinating white specks in the sky

Just thought I should let you know... cos you all care so much about my tired-ness. I JUST WANT TO SLEEEEEEEEEEP.

Unexpected Mushrooms

'Unexpected mushrooms' is the technical term for those little things that make you want to want to find a tiny kitten with big blue eyes and a little chirp of a meow and DESTROY IT. I was eating lasagna the other day, and i felt a strange sensation - one i had only experienced by accident a few times before in my 16 years of life. A mushroom had stowed away in my forkful of pasta cargo. There was a greasy, slimy slug blob in my harmless forkful. I had no choice - I had to force my mouth to continue with the otherwise enjoyable task of chewing until i could swallow the mushroom without further slime or taste.

These little things in life, these tiny irritations, can turn a good time into a total wank job.

EXAMPLE

- People who don't control their children. Children can be sweet, at the best of times. The rest of the time they are too loud, too quiet, too hyper, too lazy, too cocky and also too shy. I know they do this by nature - I was all of these things, plus i was prone to angry outbursts. It's when the miserable, sleep deprived shells of human beings they call their parents just can't control them anymore that things get out of hand. It's when you're trying to have a meal in a restaurant and there's a small child with a ray gun that blasts decibels of pain while flashing red and green on the table next to you, setting off epileptics left, right and center with the sudden lights and screaming to the point where the old deaf guy sitting upstairs asks the manager to turn down the volume. CONTROL YOUR OFFSPRING. It's your fault for procreating in the first place - learn the sacred art of contraception perhaps? The lasagna in this analogy would be the restaurant - fairly enjoyable, nice food, good atmosphere - ice in your Diet Coke. The mushroom would be the child - not expected, beyond control.

Tabs's Coursework Survival Guide

Welcome students, brethren, people with nothing better to do than check their Facebook newsfeed and click on a link to a random blog posted by a year 12 on a Saturday Night. Today, we will be learning how to complete coursework, any coursework, to the best of your fantastic ability.

Step 1 - The Coursework Title

Try to prevent writing this down in the first place, there is obviously something way more interesting in your bag which must be attended to, you may have a text from your mother for example, or a pencil may have escaped from the sanctuary of your Blott pencil case and should be restored. The full title can be later accessed via facebook or by text from a disgruntled peer.

Step 2 - Time Management

Spending time on coursework is overrated. This section is largely dependent on the type of coursework you are set. An essay, for example, due in 2 weeks and of about 3 pages long should be forgotten for approximately 14 days, until the morning of the due date. I know this sounds somewhat unconventional, however i can guarantee you, you will have a lot more time to spend on The Sims and arranging book shelves over the two week period. Winning.

Step 3 - Coursework Content

If we are continuing with our 'essay' analogy, ensure that the essay is modest. Notes can be obtained from friends over Facebook, and I always find that google-ing the essay title brings up some incredibly usable material. This can usually be done on the evening of the due date, however can be done the evening before the extension due date, or the evening before the extension of the extension due date... or not at all if your teacher is particularly gutless.

Step 4 - Distractions

There is a common misconception regarding the helpfulness of distractions when completing coursework. Distractions are the brain's way of telling us to be inspired elsewhere. A Romeo and Juliet essay can always be livened up with a Super Mario 64 analogy as you casually control Mario around a world made out of lava and fire and liken it to the theme of fate. Other times, distractions are the brain's method of stopping you killing yourself and everyone around you. Coursework always seems less stressful when it's done in front of Friends or Spongebob, or when you are completing it between levels of Tetris.

Step 5 - Handing In

Now. You've been set coursework 3 weeks ago and it's the extension of your extended due date. There's no need to print out the coursework, it might be on your memory stick. Make sure you arrive to your lesson in a bad mood and preferably late, this leaves the best impression on your teacher. As your teacher asks for you coursework, you should probably scowl a bit and ask to go print it off. Then grumble your way out the room and in the general direction of the toilets / cafe / common room. Don't worry about being prompt back to the lesson, the teacher is probably enjoying the lesson and you don't want to ruin that. Go and have the wee wee times or get a dr pepper from the cafe. When you return with your half a page essay, ensure you are suitably depressed so the teacher doesn't question the sparsity of the work with ease, then sit, moody in the back of the lesson and listen to some good music.

By following this guide you are sure to recieve that U grade you crave so much in the summer, happy schooling :)

ps please don't take this seriously... and don't blame me if you do and get KILLED.

SPORK

What we do for our Media AS levels...

Picture the scene, it's 2:00, there are three 16 year old's patiently waiting at Sevenoaks Station for their train to Headcorn. They are excited, with an optimistic outlook on life and an enthusiasm for their educational endeavors...

This optimism continued throughout the day, as the children were joined by two others and set off to film coursework at an abandoned care home.

.

The children decided to shoot the last few scenes quickly, as it was getting colder and darker and they had run out of Haribo and Chewitts, they resolved to head back to the train station and get on the 5:15 train from Headcorn back to the safety and warmth of their loving homes...

5:05 - Happy that the children had missioned it sufficiently to the station and arrived with time to spare, they stop to buy chocolate from the vending machine, happy with their lives in the knowledge that within the hour they would be home. Sarah checks the train time and notes that the train standing at platform 2 heads to Charing Cross and, ultimately, home. Her lack of social and cognitive functioning leads Sarah to forget about this information as the group set off for platform 1, laughing at the stupid train that was standing at platform 2 for ages. "Stupid train... not going anywhere... we are so much better than that train ... that train should bow down to us in our intellectual capacity"

5:13 and 55 seconds... the children sit in a shelter opposite the train heading to Sevenoaks and watch as it slowly pulls away, thinking nothing of it but counting down the final few seconds until it has finally left out of mundane boredom.

No trains pull into platform 2.

5:20 - no further trains pull into platform 2.

Tabs checks her phone and informs the group that their train should be at 5:14 , on platform 2. This sinks in, as the children realised they would have to wait another hour until they could begin to get home. Sad, sad times.

After 20 minutes of a limited game of eye-spy (by limited i mean we had the few options of "staff only door" and "salt bin"), the chavs turned up, ruining our innocent laughter and hilarity. They threw rocks at us. It was probably because Jessie's face looked like this -

After the chavs left, their night out at Headcorn Train Station undoubtedly ruined because they could sense the Shakespeare radiating from Alice's phone, we stayed in our shelter. We feared they would return and would find us trespassing on their side of the station, the infamous Platform 2. The train arrived, good times, and the group crossed quickly to the correct side of the station and hopped on :). But Tabs could not relax - could you with this next to you?

Tired, cold, hungry and bored, the children rode home, listening to an angry Irish woman claiming she doesn't have to buy train tickets because of her two children (we did not see any children... awkward), attempting to high five a conductor but wimping out and rationing out Skittles and Dairy Milk. Tabs arrived home at 7:00. She almost missed dinner.

Literature at its best

Are you looking for that new, innovative hobby that will expand your mind and improve your every day life? Do you crave the opportunity to challenge your literature-loving side? Or are you searching for a sure A grade in AS level English lit? Either way, this brand new phenomenon from Eskimos Have Souls Too is sure to change your life and your literature grade. Take the plunge into this ocean of intellectual godliness and feel yourself tread the waters of lexis and semantics, feel the tide sweep you away from the safety of Enduring Love, Shakespeare, Keats and Hardy and into the unknown depths of Death of A Salesman, A Puppet Tale.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQpU9Tq5ho0&context=C3e2a988ADOEgsToPDskI625ze5pNiHI-3D4WBU6pM

Enjoy. Comment. Rate. Subscribe.