Alter-Egos

Alors, 

When I was thinking to myself today, "I'm in the mood to do a blog post", I did the usual thing of thinking of something in the last week that has stuck out to me as important. However, this last week has been a blur and to be honest the last thing I remember is thinking to myself today "I'm in the mood to do a blog post". So, instead of creating a deep, witty blog post, I decided to paste a photo of people's heads onto the bodies of more famous alter egos of those people. Enjoy my creations. I call the collection "Splicey Times" 

I call this creation "Starshites by Nicki Bartholomew". It is an expressionist piece depicting a friend's desire to be a black rapper. Perhaps indicating man's desire to be cooler than it actually is?

 "My Heart Will Go On" 

"Danger Days, True Lives of Fabulous Retards" 

"Winnie the Dave" 

BYE

Oh, it's been a while...

So, Wednesday has been and gone and then been again, and then fricked off again. That's a bit awkward. So this is a walrus, created on a Saturday - I called it Jack-Dawson-From-Titanic-Alrus, for your reading pleasure.
Also, while I have your obvious undivided attention, there are some matters that have recently arisen which must be addressed. One of these is a specific advert. It's an advert which you may have come into contact with, and you will know if you have, for a Magnum Infinity. In this particular advert, a woman, who is wearing wayy too bright a dress, eats the Magnum and then it just reappears. This has to be false advertising? My poor cognitively challenged sister spent a good period of time searching YouTube and Google to see 'how it grows back'. There must be others in this world who will be utterly disappointed when they buy their Magnum Infinity and then realise that actually, it is just an ice cream. There are no magical powers. God is not making his presence known through the medium of this particular ice cream. Obviously on the basis of this advert I am likely to never purchase a Magnum again, and rest assured, a strongly worded email has been sent. This. Is. Not. Chill. (Lol - puns ftw). Little mini-rant over. Enjoy

The Caravan Times

Oh Hai. I'm in my caravan. Why? I hear you ask through the continuums of time and internet as by the time you are probably reading this i will have hopefully been let into my home. I am in my caravan because karma my friends, does not exist. It's the first day of the Easter holidays, and yet I still found myself at school for the English Language revision times. I know. I'm such a devoted student, it's almost like i want to succeed in the future. However, I soon discover that due to my dedication to my studies, I have in fact left my house without a key. So now I sit, bored of practice English Language papers because my educational awesomeness can only go so far, in my caravan in my front drive with a warm can of 55p Dr Pepper and a netbook that is only just picking up the wifi from my house.

I was just about to wrap up this post when a drunk guy walked down the alley next to my house. It was funneh.

Aaaaaaannnyyway, this is my predicament at this time of writing. Just thought i should let you guys know in case you wondered to yourself 'huh, I wonder what Tabs was doing at 5:00 this evening'. This is your answer.

BYE

Walrus Wednesday

Guys.
I do not want to alarm you.
I do not want to create hysteria.
I do not want to be the sole cause of a massive riot across Tonbridge, violently protesting in favour of the information i am about to install upon you.
I have been given the knowledge from a higher power.
That today.
Wednesday 28th March.
Is indeed.
The first ever.
Walrus.
Wednesday.
We all understand the symbolic meaning of hope that the humble walrus has brought upon us during all times of need.
We all understand the difficulties facing animated walruses, as they are killed daily by e-poachers in a disgusting bid for their Microsoft Paint colours of wonder.
It is for this reason that I aim to rise the walruses to fame.
Therefore, every Wednesday, we will be meeting another walrus, newly rescued from the e-poachers.
I continue to thank you for your support in this worthy, worthy cause.
Buzz Lightyear-alrus

BYE

I'm in a deep mood...

I don't know why, but every so often I get into this mood - where everything is a question, and an answer at the same time. I call it my 'no-sleep-for-you' time. This is because whenever i'm in this deep mood and i find myself going to bed, i'll be happily drifting off to sleep when suddenly I get hit by a massive brick wall of a thought - 'what happens when we die?' - but what does? Because one minute we're there, then we're just not. Plus, is it like when you're asleep but you're not dream

ing - when you don't even have any awareness of anything - you're just gone? Where does your whole personality thing go? I know it's all chemicals - I don't even wanna start thinking about afterlife cos tbh i have school tomorrow and i kind of wanna be conscious for that and not catching up on pointless lack of sleep but WHAT HAPPENS?

I'd like to think that you stay as a ghost - cos i would be a bitch of a haunter. The thing with that whole argument though - is if dead people can be bothered to go to extraordinary lengths to pass into another whole dimension, why would they simply move a lamp, or pick up a chair? Why not actually tell us living that there is another dimension rather than spending precious energy on moving household objects. I can do that. It's like me knowing the meaning of life and, like the bitch i am, keeping it to myself and instead of unleashing the answer that has been hungering the human

race for centuries, I throw cutlery at some unwitting person. Is that analogy too distant from the original point? I don't know - like I said - my lawyer will have the answers.

Answers are weird - why do we always want answers? In my opinion i think the human race are still stuck writing the questions. The whole meaning of life thing ties in here - it's just irritating. The human race is so naive and childish that it spends its existence trying to find out why it has an existence. Why are people still hung up on the whole meaning of life? If the human race was granted the answer to any question, I bet we would ask 'what is the meaning of life?', because we've been saving it for centuries. However, what we haven't realised yet, is that in keeping the question for so long - the answer has probably come and gone thousands of times, different answers are being thought up and presented, but the human race are continuing blindly - because it's not the answer we want. We want something beyond ourselves. We don't want to hear all the usual answers, we are desperately holding out for something new that just isn't going to arrive. Deep. Don't get me wrong - science and all that finding out stuff about the universe is blates exciting but the meaning of life has to be different for everyone - surely? Too deep - got a bit carried away... too deep... i'm drowning in meanings of life...

BYE

Sometimes I...

Sometimes I make friends,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I wonder if Pringles rule the world,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I stick luminous paper on my face and glue my forehead, then stand by a wall and pretend to be a post it note,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I sit in my garden, eating a biscuit, pretending to be Bear Gryllis,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I do an expressive dance while talking to a blind person for the irony,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I go to London and lick people's backs,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I play hopscotch with one leg Steve,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I play ping pong,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I play 'Thunderbirds Are Go' by Busted and walk around pretending to be a puppet,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I dream i'm a walnut,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I hiss at people as they walk past me on the train,
Sometimes I don't,

The End

BYE

Sarah's Birthday Message