Walrus Wednesday

Guys.
I do not want to alarm you.
I do not want to create hysteria.
I do not want to be the sole cause of a massive riot across Tonbridge, violently protesting in favour of the information i am about to install upon you.
I have been given the knowledge from a higher power.
That today.
Wednesday 28th March.
Is indeed.
The first ever.
Walrus.
Wednesday.
We all understand the symbolic meaning of hope that the humble walrus has brought upon us during all times of need.
We all understand the difficulties facing animated walruses, as they are killed daily by e-poachers in a disgusting bid for their Microsoft Paint colours of wonder.
It is for this reason that I aim to rise the walruses to fame.
Therefore, every Wednesday, we will be meeting another walrus, newly rescued from the e-poachers.
I continue to thank you for your support in this worthy, worthy cause.
Buzz Lightyear-alrus

BYE

I'm in a deep mood...

I don't know why, but every so often I get into this mood - where everything is a question, and an answer at the same time. I call it my 'no-sleep-for-you' time. This is because whenever i'm in this deep mood and i find myself going to bed, i'll be happily drifting off to sleep when suddenly I get hit by a massive brick wall of a thought - 'what happens when we die?' - but what does? Because one minute we're there, then we're just not. Plus, is it like when you're asleep but you're not dream

ing - when you don't even have any awareness of anything - you're just gone? Where does your whole personality thing go? I know it's all chemicals - I don't even wanna start thinking about afterlife cos tbh i have school tomorrow and i kind of wanna be conscious for that and not catching up on pointless lack of sleep but WHAT HAPPENS?

I'd like to think that you stay as a ghost - cos i would be a bitch of a haunter. The thing with that whole argument though - is if dead people can be bothered to go to extraordinary lengths to pass into another whole dimension, why would they simply move a lamp, or pick up a chair? Why not actually tell us living that there is another dimension rather than spending precious energy on moving household objects. I can do that. It's like me knowing the meaning of life and, like the bitch i am, keeping it to myself and instead of unleashing the answer that has been hungering the human

race for centuries, I throw cutlery at some unwitting person. Is that analogy too distant from the original point? I don't know - like I said - my lawyer will have the answers.

Answers are weird - why do we always want answers? In my opinion i think the human race are still stuck writing the questions. The whole meaning of life thing ties in here - it's just irritating. The human race is so naive and childish that it spends its existence trying to find out why it has an existence. Why are people still hung up on the whole meaning of life? If the human race was granted the answer to any question, I bet we would ask 'what is the meaning of life?', because we've been saving it for centuries. However, what we haven't realised yet, is that in keeping the question for so long - the answer has probably come and gone thousands of times, different answers are being thought up and presented, but the human race are continuing blindly - because it's not the answer we want. We want something beyond ourselves. We don't want to hear all the usual answers, we are desperately holding out for something new that just isn't going to arrive. Deep. Don't get me wrong - science and all that finding out stuff about the universe is blates exciting but the meaning of life has to be different for everyone - surely? Too deep - got a bit carried away... too deep... i'm drowning in meanings of life...

BYE

Sometimes I...

Sometimes I make friends,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I wonder if Pringles rule the world,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I stick luminous paper on my face and glue my forehead, then stand by a wall and pretend to be a post it note,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I sit in my garden, eating a biscuit, pretending to be Bear Gryllis,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I do an expressive dance while talking to a blind person for the irony,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I go to London and lick people's backs,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I play hopscotch with one leg Steve,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I play ping pong,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I play 'Thunderbirds Are Go' by Busted and walk around pretending to be a puppet,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I dream i'm a walnut,
Sometimes I don't,
Sometimes I hiss at people as they walk past me on the train,
Sometimes I don't,

The End

BYE

Sarah's Birthday Message

Young Children

I don't understand them, children i mean. I'm just not good with small humans. They always want to interact - which is fine, i'm competent now at interaction, but we seem to have some communication issues. I don't know what the f*** they are saying half the time, and they don't know what the f*** i am saying most of the time. They scream and jump and I mumble and panic, this eventually culminates in me babbling in a corner while small children swarm across the house, as word has gotten out that small child A's babysitter has no balls whatsoever, so now they're playing with the gas fire and smashing the television while a dubstep version of the lazy town theme tune is blazing from a Spongebob speaker and i slowly start to doubt whether or not i'll make it through, or whether they might follow through on their threat of killing me slowly with lego.

I'm not good with kids. They scare me, i'm fine when they're aggressive - you just shove it in a corner and throw chocolate at it until it's quiet for 10 minutes. But most children, I swear to God, play sick mind games. I'm talking about hide and seek. Who the f*** came up with hide and seek? It's just an excuse for the little psycho you are supposed to be looking after to terrify a babysitter by 'hiding' half way up the M25. Not good times.

Their toys also make me want to take everything that is good and peaceful in this world AND DESTROY IT. You can get flashing toys that sit in your peripheral vision until you finally snap and stamp on it, much to your child's anguish. You can get toy ray guns that make a constant wawawawawawawa sound that you can't drown out, ever. But the absolute worst toy in the world, that must have been created by a toy making descendant of Hitler himself, is the toy keyboard - i'm talking about the ones with the alphabet on it. The ones which repeat every letter after you've pressed it in a slimy american accent. The only thing that can rectify this toy's uselessness is the fact that perhaps 30 seconds of entertainment can be found from using the letters F, K, C and U in a particular order and then you're done and the small child finds it and repeatedly presses the letter E while screaming the word 'cat' but you can't tell it that the letter E is not in the word cat because that would be acknowledging the toy's existence, opening the window for interaction with the toy that you will have to engage in because now the child has remembered you exist, and want you to join them in the pressing of the letter E.

This is why I will never succeed as a teenage mother. Or a mother. Or an adult. Or a socially functioning human...

BYE

Things That Are Awesome Things

So it's valentine's day - yay... so very single ... so here are some of the things in life that should lighten the mood for all the single people, and the people in relationships with controlling morons... enjoy :)

1. When they say the title of a movie... IN THE MOVIE.
When this happens, I can literally feel my smile. A few examples include, Insidious, The Matrix, Jurassic Park, Texas Chainsaw Massacre... i could go on. But I won't, for your reading experience. It's even better when the name of the film is said with emphasis, like the director knows you know it's the name of the film and you know the director knows it's the name of the film - it becomes an in joke with the director, like you have one more friend in this lonely existence.

2. When you're playing Doodle Jump and you get the jet pack AND the bubble of invincibility... and you feel like you can do anything.
I mean anything. Every time this happens, there's a sad little part of me that hopes the game will glitch and i'll stay this way FOREVER, conquer the world and become the prime minister of Malaysia. And then it ends and i'm back to my powerless lack of dictatorship.

3. When an assortment of Apple products accumulate in one location.
This is why I spend as much time as I can in the Apple Store. It's something about the way it all looks unique but so TOGETHER. And it's so good to use... and when it's all used together... sharing files and software effortlessly... in such a nice way. It's just so... nice. Omnomnomnomnom.

I'm gonna go watch The Matrix while playing Doodle Jump on my Apple iTouch and pine after Macbooks on Amazon... it's gonna be a good evening guys...

I Am So Tired...

... my eyes feel like they're conducting a terrorist attack on my face

... I make dead people look like the picture of sunshine

... when I close my eyes, I find myself in an alternative dimension, with chickens... and sporks

... my arms feel like pillows... PILLOWS OF LEAD

... when I yawn, severe weather warnings are issued

... I screamed at my blanket because it wasn't 'blanket-y enough'

... my face is melting off my head

... i'm praying for a random coma possession where I go into a world of dead people and get trapped by a guy with a red face

... South Park doesn't make sense

... i'm hallucinating white specks in the sky

Just thought I should let you know... cos you all care so much about my tired-ness. I JUST WANT TO SLEEEEEEEEEEP.