A hypothetical-New-Years party may sound slightly confusing, especially seen as it is in fact new years eve at this very moment in time – however that is where the modifier ‘hypothetical’ comes in. Basically, a group of 20 people getting drunk in a conservatory in Hadlow, choking on fumes from the duck roles that had been in the microwave for ten minutes, helping certain children chunder their Strongbow into the only available toilets and climbing over fences dressed as a giant pink bunny, with a cow struggling to make it over in heels. Good times. However, there comes a point at every party, when those who will chunder have chundered, there’s one solitary can of Strongbow left in the cold water bucket and the ones who haven’t already passed out are nestling down to sleep next to their drunken brethren. This is when I, last night, was hit with one of the most random urges not to sleep - ever. So, to pass my time, myself, the duck role annihilator and Carney sat in the conservatory watching the kitchen. People, what you are about to read may shock you. It may even disturb you. The content is not suitable for readers with heart conditions, or heavily pregnant women. Please keep your arms and legs inside the proverbial carriage of shock at all times.
At 2:28 AM – one Emily Squirrell (or Squizz)entered the kitchen. We weren’t really sure what she was doing but were told later she was getting a drink.
At 2:37 AM – Hannah (or Loompy / Midget ) was wearing glasses when she entered the kitchen. Intriguing. She looked at Tabs and laughed before complaining about the orange hanging on the door and told us that Naomi (a chunderer who was currently groaning on the sofa on the opposite side of the room with her head in the grey bucket of doom) would ‘feel shit tomorrow’. She left.
At 2:41 AM – Shannen (Shanola) enquired as to what Tabs was doing and got a drink of water before leaving to return to the other room
2:45 AM – Carney got a drink, hid something culinary in his jacket, went into the other room and shortly returned to his rightful place in the conservatory.
At precisely 2:48 AM – Jamie looks around the kitchen, before getting a drink of water, looking round some more and STEALING 3 LOAVES OF BREAD, before leaving. Things are getting beefy.
At 3:02 – Tom and Shannen walk through the kitchen into the conservatory where the Hitler of duck roles told them what Tabs was doing, despite being told not to... awks. Anyway they had a conversation about a Spanish masseuse named Pedro and left.
At 3:19 – The duck role whore puts make up on, brushes her hair and leaves the room before returning instantly, interestingly.
This repeated at 3:22 when the duck role executioner left, wandered, got a drink and returned.
At 3:33 (make a wish) – Dave (or Immy) goes into the kitchen, fills the jug that Naomi was drinking from while puking with water and drinks from it. Grim. She looks sexy and returns looking angry and dishevelled. Tabs makes a point of telling Dave about the jug, but she doesn’t really listen and collapses on the floor again.
At 3:36 – Chloe goes into the kitchen, gets a drink and sits down in the kitchen mouthing at Tabs to ‘go away’. Very interesting.
3:38 – Carney leaves to get more paper for Tabs after talking to Chloe in the kitchen for a bit
At 3:40 – Chloe leaves, but returns quickly to borrow the camera and take a picture of Ying and Sam asleep on the stairs.
3:42 – The duck-rolinator and Sam talk in the kitchen, there is a lot of hand gestures and shaking of heads. Things were getting interesting. Sam enters the conservatory. His make-up is smudged.
3:44 – Josie wakes up and goes into the kitchen – gives thumbs up, finds a mug and gets a drink of water before returning to the conservatory.
3:45 – Chloe returns to get a drink of Dr Pepper but she sees me watching and leaves.
3:48 – Hannah goes to the toilet
Nothing much really happens for while now until...
4:33 – Naomi wakes up and stumbles out of the conservatory muttering the words ‘I feel rough’. We all take a moment to appreciate the beauty of this spoken thought.
4:39 – Naomi returns to the kitchen from the other room and puts something in the bin, she looks around, asks where the cups are and gets a drink / cleans her iPod. Not really sure why she did that but she did and it has been documented. She looks at me, asks what i’m doing and returns to the conservatory
4:42 – Squizz enters the kitchen, gets Fanta, leaves
4:43 – Squizz returns to the kitchen and converses with Naomi – they look casual.
4:47 – Carney and Josie enter the kitchen and shake hands, they laugh at a pizza cutter – i later learned that Carney was in fact threatening Josie with the Italian slicing tool, but at the time all was harmless.
4:51 – Naomi enters the kitchen and picks up the bucket, Ying enters the kitchen and they both enter the conservatory. We were gathering members of the conservatory party (it’s like conservative party – get the joke.).
At 4:59 the Hadlow duck role massacre perpetrator had her quote of the week – when Sam told us he had slept for 20 minutes. The exterminator of all things duck roley said that she had entered and left the room several times while he was asleep, with the phrase ‘enough time for me to pop in and out, in and out, in and out’. Much hilarity ensued.
5:02 – Jack wakes up and goes to the toilet.
5:06 – Carney plants a dinosaur-like school photo of Kennet infront of the sleeping Dave
5:07 – Squizz and Jamie enter the kitchen, Squizz has a drink, Jamie blatantly has a hangover and there is no bread in sight... interesting
5:10 – Dave gets up and drinks from the sick jug... AGAIN. Stupid.
5:12 – We were delivered with Carney’s knowledge of the week – that in fact men are women for the first two weeks of gestation until they ‘just grow a penis’.
5:32 – The duck role tormentor ran to the kitchen because she had Fanta coming out her nose.
5:33 – Izzy (another chunderer) wakes up and just makes it to the kitchen – a few walls were walked into.
5:36 – Izzy returns from the kitchen with her glasses and a sleeping bag and agrees that at this moment in time she is ‘5 out of 10 drunk’
Finally at 5:44 – Jack creates inappropriate scenes with a Santa toy and a reindeer toy. Carney is aroused.
So that was all the time I was supposed to be asleep for :D. Good times.
