Tabs's Coursework Survival Guide

Welcome students, brethren, people with nothing better to do than check their Facebook newsfeed and click on a link to a random blog posted by a year 12 on a Saturday Night. Today, we will be learning how to complete coursework, any coursework, to the best of your fantastic ability.

Step 1 - The Coursework Title

Try to prevent writing this down in the first place, there is obviously something way more interesting in your bag which must be attended to, you may have a text from your mother for example, or a pencil may have escaped from the sanctuary of your Blott pencil case and should be restored. The full title can be later accessed via facebook or by text from a disgruntled peer.

Step 2 - Time Management

Spending time on coursework is overrated. This section is largely dependent on the type of coursework you are set. An essay, for example, due in 2 weeks and of about 3 pages long should be forgotten for approximately 14 days, until the morning of the due date. I know this sounds somewhat unconventional, however i can guarantee you, you will have a lot more time to spend on The Sims and arranging book shelves over the two week period. Winning.

Step 3 - Coursework Content

If we are continuing with our 'essay' analogy, ensure that the essay is modest. Notes can be obtained from friends over Facebook, and I always find that google-ing the essay title brings up some incredibly usable material. This can usually be done on the evening of the due date, however can be done the evening before the extension due date, or the evening before the extension of the extension due date... or not at all if your teacher is particularly gutless.

Step 4 - Distractions

There is a common misconception regarding the helpfulness of distractions when completing coursework. Distractions are the brain's way of telling us to be inspired elsewhere. A Romeo and Juliet essay can always be livened up with a Super Mario 64 analogy as you casually control Mario around a world made out of lava and fire and liken it to the theme of fate. Other times, distractions are the brain's method of stopping you killing yourself and everyone around you. Coursework always seems less stressful when it's done in front of Friends or Spongebob, or when you are completing it between levels of Tetris.

Step 5 - Handing In

Now. You've been set coursework 3 weeks ago and it's the extension of your extended due date. There's no need to print out the coursework, it might be on your memory stick. Make sure you arrive to your lesson in a bad mood and preferably late, this leaves the best impression on your teacher. As your teacher asks for you coursework, you should probably scowl a bit and ask to go print it off. Then grumble your way out the room and in the general direction of the toilets / cafe / common room. Don't worry about being prompt back to the lesson, the teacher is probably enjoying the lesson and you don't want to ruin that. Go and have the wee wee times or get a dr pepper from the cafe. When you return with your half a page essay, ensure you are suitably depressed so the teacher doesn't question the sparsity of the work with ease, then sit, moody in the back of the lesson and listen to some good music.

By following this guide you are sure to recieve that U grade you crave so much in the summer, happy schooling :)

ps please don't take this seriously... and don't blame me if you do and get KILLED.

SPORK