A Book Rant

Today I had a walking day. A walking day is when I spend small amounts of time in different places and the majority of the day getting to them. I don't know if I enjoy these days but i discovered during this particular Walking Day that I enjoy walking to a destination. I don't see the point in walking in a circle for no reason what-so-ever maybe just to look at some trees WTF? Anyway, at one point during my Walking Day today I saw that Sussex Bookshops was closing down and having a massive sale. I suppose I should explain why this got me so exited i nearly jizzed.

I go through phases. They usually last approximately a month or so and they either include books or video games. When I say phases, I mean psychotically obsessed. It's literally OMFG I NEED A BOOK LIKE NOW, IF I DON'T READ SEVERAL CHAPTERS OF I WILL KILL SOMEONE OR MYSELF - BOOK WILL MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER OH BOOK I DO LOVE YOU ... my precious, precious book... my precious. <--- tad carried away :) . So anyway I bought this book and as I was walking back home I contemplated my new book and how NO ONE was going to touch it.

Here is my book rant. I love books right - shut up, i'm sad, get over it - if you're reading this you probably are too -- please don't stop reading cos i insulted you, i insult people all the time - it's my way of communicating. BACK TO THE POINT. The following things are not so awesome facts about books.

1. People who turn the corners of pages of books anger me GREATLY. It's practically book rape. Turning over the corner of a page is like following an innocent (possibly teenage) novel into a dark alley and raping it. Be ashamed of yourself you abusive creature. Biatch.

2. It is a common known fact that paper backs are just the cheaper, lesser, scrawny younger brothers of the mighty hardback. Some people may moan that paper backs are just easier to transport. Bullshit. (I'm sorry i'm fairly sweary today - and angry too :/) Anyway hardbacks are the proper books. They feel better to read and, face it, people just look more intelligent reading a massive great hardback than a skinny, flimsy little paper back.

3. When books get wet. The pages tear in half. The body of the book curls in on itself. If you are reading a satan-ised paper back, the cover often folds at the corners. The ink runs so that the words you are anticipating so greatly turn into little black dots. Face it, when a book gets wet, there is only one person you can blame - yourself. It hurts, I know, but it's true.

So i'm going to stop ranting about books now because it's too cold and i'm not on my laptop so i keep accidentally hitting the caps lock button which is WAY too big. Annoyance.

Eleanor Stephens wanted to be part of the next blog so I will describe Eleanor. Eleanor is strange - possible not as strange as Eda, but still strange. She lets me copy off her in History. She likes old 1800 - 1900 dresses (the big ones). i've known her for 8 years (a fact she uses against me to this day)and she screams. A lot.

Farewell.

I-L and HARRY POTTER

Guten morgen, or should i say guten evening...

How are you l'il chipmunks. So - i feel i should continue with the alphabet but still keep the ranting alive.

I = Illness. It's kind of an obvious one. Not many people like it - unless it does something for you in a creepy, sexual way... ew. But anyway illness can be avoided by not leaving the safety of your house, room or bed. This way no germs can reach you, nor can you infect any other perfectly healthy living people. For your health, for your safety and for your own good population, i urge you to stay within the confines of your duvet (or if you know me well, davet - available from Amazon in 'Hungry Dave', 'Dave Eating' or the new limited edition 'Thumbs up Dave')and help fight the war that is forming around our very beings - the war on illness. Peace.

J - JLS. Again, kind of obvious. Here are the little freaks.



???????????????? APPEAL IS WHAT????
I'm pretty sure in this picture they've acquired a new member - was there always 5? Who knows. Anyway - JLS annoy me greatly. It's not even the cheesy and puke-inducing songs - it's the fact that their audience don't know any better. The majority of the fans of JLS are, in actual fact, 7 years old or such and such... these are 4 (or 5, I don't know) like, 25 year olds making 7 year old girls jizz... SICK. SICK BASTARDS.

K - Kesha - i know i'm veering into a kind of pop blog here, but why does she exist on our earth. Listening to Tik Tok (which is too an awful spelling to even comprehend) makes any decent human being want to punch young Kesha in the face and return to the norm by continuing to worship Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson, Queen and the many other actual rebellious figures in pop culture that HAVE WORTH IN THIS WORLD. ANGER.

L - Larryment. We all have to endure it. The crushing, self confidence killing, sweaty experience of larryment. It happens every so often when the person you normally hang out with is away. It happens every so often when the person you normally hang out with is ill. It happens every so often when the person you normally hang out with is allowed to stay off school IF THEY UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER. No one in specific in mind here... :/ . Anyway, my advice for when one finds oneself in a position of larryment is to simply remain calm. Those walking in the opposite direction to you do not know that you are terrified, nor do they need to know, as screaming at them to help you will not help you. Or your sanity. If you need to perform a task on your own, I find it helpful to comment on what you are doing, it doesn't need to be to anyone, just mumble it to yourself. I find this allows me to focus on the task and not the fact that people are staring at me. If this fails, which it may do, simply refer to yourself in the third person when mumbling. Many people i know, including myself, do this and find it hugely successful. Here's an example, if I was in detention by my larrysome, and i had to take the paper bins out it would sound like so.

"now, Tabs is picking up C1's paper bin"
"Tabs is now opening the door, glaring at a year 7 who decided to stop in the MIDDLE OF THE CORRIDOR"
"Tabs is now picking up C2's paper bin"
"Tabs is now bored"
"Tabs is now dumping the bins in the big white ones outside C4"

and life continues :).


So - that over - i feel the need to share with you guys the awesomeness that happened to me and the rest of year 11. I had DEFENCE AGAINST THE RAPE ARTS. I feel like Harry Potter.

Hyper Happenings

I'm liking alliteration at the minute, therefore, the title today is alliteration inspired. I'm not continuing from my alphabet of problems that face society today, as i feel the need to share the hyper two days that i just witnessed. Friday, was as many know, our little talent show... awwwww. We all know that was a rave, but the hyper really started 6 hours before that in school. I know. Wierd right? Anywho, i haven't really posted in a while so I thought I would about these two days. Below is the video that kind of takes up the majority of the meaning of this post, however i do feel the need to enlighten you people about the contents of the video. For those of you who have watched Dogville in Drama, you will understand why THERE ARE SOME VIDEOS IN THE WORLD THAT STUDENTS MUST BE WARNED ABOUT. Sorry about that, if you have not finished the film, all will become clear when you watch the ending... :(. So, my Friday went as follows, a hyper maths lesson with the worst teacher in the history of teaching since, like, forever. Then some other indifferent boring lessons and other necessary life thingys. BUT THEN I FOUND A SKATEBOARD. Well it wasn't a good one, it didn't really have wheels, at all. BUT IT WAS A HALF OF A SKATEBOARD. So that was my steal of the day. Saturday was just a hyper blur, so enjoy :D.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzpklQgO6t0

E-H

So, the time has come once again to update. So, how are you guys?
On with the alphabet.

E - Elephants are too big. I know it's kind of a random yet obvious point to make, but it's true. Everyone's supposed to be in awe of these massive, grey blobs and I suppose baby ones are cute and they can be pretty awesome sometimes. But when you do venture out of your house into the unknown world and spend a day at the zoo, you spend about £10 to watch elephants eating, sleeping or shitting. It's NOT MONEY WORTHY. If I wanted to watch animals shit, I would go to the monkey enclosure - at least its entertaining cos they eat it... some good times. So what I suppose i'm saying is that elephants aren't a problem to society, it's just having the public pay extortionate amounts to watch them go about their lives.

F - I was going to talk about facism here cos i felt intellectual, but as it turns out i just spend an hour and 15 minutes writing whatever I could about The General Strike and I can't do anymore history. Instead, I will talk about a much more light hearted but equally infuriating subject. This guy.



I think it's great, don't get me wrong, that this guy's hilarious and he's been recognised, so it's not too much this side of what he's done that pisses me off.



ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER
WHY DO THIS? People in the world live in poverty, starvation, other mean things, and he feels the need to make them suffer this too? HE'S GONE CORPORATE ... and this angers me muchly. The songs included in his album are too awful to put into this blog because there are some things a person shouldn't write about another human being in a blog. So, before I kill someone, i'm moving on.

G - Getting sacked. Don't judge, it counts as a G. So, many people fear being fired or sacked, it inhibits production in the workplace and lowers self esteem. This fear can be self destructive as well as destructive to those around the sufferer. One of my best cures for this fear has been tried and tested and has worked for every sufferer I know that fears being sacked. Don't get a job. Then you can't be fired, nor do you have to leave your bed, get dressed, or live like a normal person. It's a good way of life... or so i've been told. Weekends are always a rave.

H - Human centipedes. You know the scary thing about this whole story is that some maniac wanted to ACTUALLY do this. :o. What has to go so horribly wrong in your life that will make you want to, and yes, fantasise about, this kind of thing. Too gross. The film is not only sick, but in terms of directing, storyline and acting, it was shit. And yet, it's the kind of film that gets everyone talking, like seriously talking, and you don't really want to watch it on your own but you want to know what happens, so you wikipedia the plot and read it with a permanent grimace on your face and then go puke. And that, is why so many people like it. I'm not one of those people. I prefer films with substance. Like Horton hears a who and The Sorcerers's Apprentice.

So, that's your lot for today. As Eda wanted to be part of the next blog, I will add in an extra little nugget of joy for her. Edazor Bozan is a strange little child. We aren't allowed to work together in Drama. She likes diet coke and ice cream in the morning. She's met the tall guy from Diversity. She goes mental in my car and thinks my dad's name is Mark-with-a-C. When her dog was a puppy he got medicine on my new black shirt and her hair can defy gravity. So, Eda hope that suffices. Au revior peeps.

Okay - so it's going to take me a while but during the next few blog posts i'm probably going to be doing this alphabet of problems, but it's going to take a few posts over the next few weeks. Today we look at the possibility of apocalypse, blondism, we worry about career prospects and glance at a few dead people. Have funsies... but don't get crazy.

A – Apocalypse
Apolcalypse is a very real, very imminent prospect. With the number of zombie population on a steady increase, the idea of an apocalypse of this nature is certainly probable. Therefore, I believe it is important to have a plan in case of said invasion. For example, it will be invariably necessary to have a location to use in which to meet and confer with others, this location must be carefully chosen and changed yearly, in case one of your colleagues is indeed, a zombie.


B - Blondism
Blondism is a serious mental illness that affects the behaviour, feelings and thoughts of a person. A person can be temporary blond, blond on a recurring basis, or permanently blond. Please note, the colour of a person’s hair does not contribute to nor dismiss the prospect of blondism. A blond person can happily live their life free of blondism, and yet brunettes and even gingers can suffer greatly from the illness. Those who experience recurring attacks of blondism are often known to make stupid comments, fall over, act in a publically inappropriate way or shut off parts of their brain during conversation, for example the section that differs between a normal thing to say and a random, idiotic remark. One of the most notable sufferers of blondism is Beccy, and while her blondism only takes the form of temporary moments of illness, her awesome ability to cover up the blondism makes it barely noticeable and at times adds to her insanely brilliant character (that’s me trying to make up for lightly insulting a bmfl – we’re used to it – it’s what we do).


C – Career Prospects
Career Prospects are bitches – they seek to destroy your hopes and dreams and encourage you to settle for work in prostitution for the rest of your career-less life. That is what school and A-level choices has taught me. Life is SO much easier when you are 5 or 6, not only do you have colouring in for ‘homework’, but you either want to be an actress, a singer, a fireman, a policeman or a ballerina. It’s a simple life. Every 5 year old is only the happy, smiling toddler that we so often trip over because its career prospects are set in total stone it its happy, smiling little mind. But, no, as soon as you turn 14 you have to actually think about what you want to do and you come to the realisation that you have no idea and this realisation is followed by the dread as you further realise that you will end up living in a shed with a small job in fireplace maintenance and spending your free time stalking the successful people from your teenage past... breathe is a funny word.


D – Dead people
I see dead people... like everyday – i work in a morgue it’s normal. I’m joking i don’t work in a morgue yet – it’s just another exciting career prospect :/. Anyway, dead people don’t do anyone any favours. When they die it’s sad. When they’re dead they’re scary. When they come back as zombies it is an inconvenience of a scary nature. So, my solution to the problem of dead people, is obviously not to die. I know it’s not the best of solutions but if we all lived in boxes, no one could get ill and if we had food and water, we could very easily survive for longer periods of time? I don’t know. Probably wouldn’t work. But, going on with this theory, for reproduction purposes, separate larger boxes could be used. However that brings up the subject of birth which is a fairly messy matter and would not work well in a box... that also brings up the prospect of waste. Hmmmm, also if someone did die – it would completely defeat the object of the boxes because then they would be dead and gross but everone would be surrounding a dead guy in a box. Not good. Scrap that, we’ll stay living out of boxes :).

Btw - i was looking through some pictures of puppies cos i was gonna have some images to accompany this post and i found this slightly cruel yet sadly entertaining image.



it's a puppy - dressed as a teddy ... make up your mind, cruel or entertaining? I think both but it does heighten the cuteness - as in cruelly entertaining.

In the next post i'll probably be talking about Gillian McKieth, Fascism, Elephants and centipedes of the human nature. Have fun with your life :)

The Fun Times that I Enjoy

Hey peeps. I don't even know if there are any peeps to address... non-existent peeps. How are you in your non-existent ways? So anyway, in a person's life, they understand that they are bored with the boring existence that many refer to as, life. When people usually reach this stage of teenagehood, they do one of three things. Number one, they gang rape and kill people. Number two, they do school work. Number three, they take up one meaningless hobby that will never get them anywhere in life. I did two of those things... Obviously not the school work.

Wait for it, nah - I was never involved in gang rape - i'm just too white and nerdy, they wouldn't accept me, it's a very formal affair, being initiated into a gang. Not that i'm in a gang. Gangs are mean. I don't like mean people.

So anyway, I decided to take up doing card tricks - mainly after I watched Derren Brown's 'Something Wicked This Way Comes' tour and decided I wanted to do that. Obviously I settled for card tricks after googling Derren Brown and finding out it took him, like, 20 years to learn all his stuff and as many know - I have the intention span of an ADHD squirrel.

7 months down the line and I can kind of work out how to use these things the professionals call cards. In fact, my card collection has since grown to a significant size and i mean if God had a card collection, mine would look like Jesus's. That is, quite good but just not the real thing, my cards don't have beards. Or sandals. Neither are they the son of God. If you believe in that kind of thing...

Anyway the point is I have an obsessively large collection of cards which don't behold the powers of the holy spirit. I like doing these card tricks - but I do get out - just not as much as regular people, or people with no legs. I'm not dissing the legless, in fact i think they're awesome, i'm just trying to say that i don't have that much of a social life - it's small but it's not non-existent.