Annoying Sister is Annoying X(

My sister is a weird and infuriating being. At the moment - she is keeping me up, when I really would like to be far away in sleepy sleep land, by giggling downstairs with one of her year 9 mates. :/ . They are baking.

BAKING.

At 1:00 AM. BAKING. The only people who bake in the early hours of the morning are paedophiles stocking up for a full day of child luring with cakes and biscuits, wedding planners and insomniacs. As my sister fits in to none of those categories, even though one time I did find her eyeing up and Reception kid at my old school christmas fair, she SHOULD NOT BE BAKING IN THE EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING. It's not even good baking. They must be drunk or something cos they put a load of baking powder, flour, milk and red colouring into a baking tray and now it's breathing and bubbling in my oven. Annoying sister is annoying. She should really stop with the unnecessary inventions now. She recently bought a pair of headphones but they were, apparently and I quote "too scratchy" so Sister thought it appropriate to cut up MY TIGHTS and tie them around her headphones. :O . Not scratchy any more though.

So, have you guys ever done anything weird in the middle of the night - keep it clean people - Eda, Jessie, Beccy - don't get too excited this isn't going to turn into some kind of sick chat room where you can share your experiences and get off on others'.

Farewell children and good night

p.s THEY HAVE JUST TURNED THE TV ON FULL VOLUME - I ENVY MY PARENTS SLEEPING ABILITIES

My Chemical Romance

My Chemical Romance's new album. :O.

In year 8, I was in my emo phase. EVERY child has an emo phase - they wear dark clothing, fingerless gloves, listen to sad music and sit in the dark crying. Such fun. During my emo period in life, My Chemical Romance were at their darkest, Daily Mail even accused them of causing the rise in teen suicide in 2008. Let's face it, to be perfectly honest - My Chemical Romance didn't exactly discourage the idea that life is shizz. The old MCR had pretty much started their own musical genre - a kind of cross between indie music and thrash metal and it had a wierd, hypnotic hold over my year 8 school year and i'm sure many other's who listened to The Black Parade.

But the point of this post because believe it or not there is a point, is that MCR have risen above their emo phase - Danger Days is still MCR sounding - just less - OMG life sucks. And plus Gerard's hair could cure blind people. Oooooh. That's how they should cure blind people. Would that work??? Show them something fluorescent? I don't think it would. FLUORESCENT. I have a fluorescent jacket - I may have to wear it. BACK TO THE POINT. My Chemical Romance has matured. That's basically all I wanted to say - I thought i'd drag it out. That's basically what I do anyway.

Have fun in life and prosper, young ones.

Goodsybies. Sorry if this was a boring post. I will endeavour to include squirrels in the next one.

U

U -Underage cockyness. I am speaking, of course, not about all year 7s, 8s and 9s but of the ones who stand infront of you in a corridor, motionless while you struggle to get past. I am speaking of the ones who laugh at you as you casually fall over infront of the giant windows in the canteen. I am speaking of the children who take the last fish and chips at lunch right before you, the children who take your seat on the bus. These children, year 11, should be stopped. If we don't then who will? Who will stop these bubbas if we don't? The next generation of year 11? No. Year 11, I have learned that violence is not the way with year 7s. Teachers don't seem to see the need for hitting the years below us. Neither can you swear at them. Year 11, we cannot torment nor bully them - we need to stay good for sixth form otherwise we'll all die.

So, how do we stop them? Simples. We can't. There will always be annoying year 7s, as all years below your current age group will be stupid and infuriating - it is something that we have to learn to live with. I'm sorry, but for now we just have to make do with the issues presented by these pre-pubescent children. For example, to ensure no year 7s get fish and chips on Fridays just take away the chips. Steal them. Chips are the only reason people buy fish and chips - so steal the chips and, if you're feeling particularly profitable, sell them to year 10 and above. BANG. Problem solved. :/ .

Hope this has helped the year 11s of Great Britain in their plight against the babies of our secondary schools. And to any year 7s who are starting secondary school in the summer - ignore this post - please don't freak out about being physically abused by older years - it's not that bad. Joking. It's fine. Please don't commit suicide - would put a downer on my, like, life.

Bye. xx

Animals

I'm watching Vets In Action at the moment - it's sad :( . There is, however, a cow on it. I like cows. Cows are independent but not cocky. They just stand there like, "i'm a cow, i'm happy, i produce milk - here take some - it's good". They're happy go lucky characters - I like that a lot in an animal.

I like cats too - but for a different reason - kind of the opposite reason. A good cat loves you and only thinks of himself as better than you.

A bitchy cat is arrogant and shows you he is better than you. I love my cat. You probably know that by now. But my cat is more like - please

say with Russian accent - "i like you, you can stroke me, but not for long times cos then I get cranky - but don't leave me too soon or i give you wide eyes and watch guilt burn your soul."

As with cats - I believe there are two kinds of dogs - adorably stupid and fantastically intelligent. I am both a dog and cat person - I love both equally. But dogs are so much more open about their love than a cat. My favourite Dog is Mia - a golden lab. She's like - "I have your shoe. I'm going to show you the shoe so that you know I have it. Do you want it back? Go on, it's right there, take it. HA YOU'RE STUPID IT'S MY SHOE NOW FIND THIS IN THE MORNING."

Rabbits are small and gross. The ones with red eyes creep me out especially - they bore into YOUR MIND. They can tell what you are thinking and they WILL judge you. Just remember that next time you make eye contact with one of these tiny bitches - they can pick up your thoughts. You have been warned. Don't blame me when one of these innocent little fluff-balls steal your pin number from your brain and buy cars, mansions and energy drinks with your hard earned savings. Think before you trust them.

Eda

OK, forgive me for posting twice in one day - trust me it won't happen again.

However, I promised Eda I would devote a post to her. So, I am. I first met Eda in year 7, back in the day, at my bus stop. As I have always been a socially awkward child (see 2 posts back for proof) my mother accompanied me to the bus (hindsight makes me cringe). She said to Eda

"Are you in 7 Red, Tabby's in 7 red too" As she did this, she shoved me towards Eda and left.

In year 7 Eda was a strange, damaged child. Mostly, we hung out on the bus. So the majority of my fond memories of Eda in year 7 are o

f the bus. Damaged Child was one I look back on now and realise we were a group of l'il psychopaths. When Eda fell on her head in Gym (something that may give some insight into why Eda's insane) we had the joke that she was now brain damaged --- a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE game. She basically acted retarded until we all got off the bus and off to our little homes. Also on the bus, we had fun playing a game we liked to call 'Tesco Swirl'. It basically involved running down the middle of the bus while going round a large roundabout. At one point - Eda thought it normal to grab on to Daggi's hair and swing on it. I laughed. Hard.

Through the years, Eda has never ceased to scare teachers, scare year 7s and terrify her mates. I think one of the funniest things is that we actually aren't allowed to work together in Drama. The Ash Girl incident was too much for Drama Teacher I feel, and she didn't want to go through the ordeal of slowly watching us destroy what was a shizz play anyway. So, it's not, do you have to work with Eda? You know you don't work well. It's NO YOU CANNOT WORK WITH EDA - YOU WILL KILL EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE THAT EVER WAS DEVISED OR DEVISED THEMSELVES. She's a strange child. And she calls everyone child - that's another thing - I learned today that she refers to her grandparents as 'child'. I lol. She's in love with English Teacher ---- as is everyone in my class cos English Teacher is epic. But she doesn't shut up about her.

Eda here you go. This is your blog. Oooh. AND YOU CAN TELL EVERYBODYYYYY.

THIS IS YOUR BLOOOOOOG
IT MAY BE QUITE SIMPLE BUT

NOW THAT ITS SOMETHING-THAT-RHYMES-WITH-BLOOOOOOOG

Yeah - Jessie writes songs - I don't. I find long ways of saying simple things.

Farewell.

I AM AT SCHOOL

School times are fun. Lessons aren't really, in fact i find the whole concept of school infuriating and a somewhat tiresome affair. At the moment, though, I am writing this on a school computer, so for that reason alone - i love school. I find it fulfilling and innovative. To be honest there really wasn't a point to this. I'm with the Squizz and Robyn with whom I am practicing being posh and up thy self. It's fun. It's the only character I can properly get into. That's what she said. BACK TO THE POINT.

School after hours is pretty scary. The classrooms are eerily dark and lifeless - i mean of course more so than average. And yet, I still really want to encounter a dead guy at school after hours. It's an interesting idea.

OH. I almost forgot. Haha. Such fun. HILLER AND MOORE is starting on Channel 4 this weekend. OMFG myself and Miss Eda Zorbozan are in love with that show. If you are cool you will watch it. WATCH IT NOW.

Bye /xx

Awkward Times

As a fairly awkward person, I feel obligated to share both some awkward memories and some thoughts on awkwardness. Dave asked me to tell a few awkward stories on my blog so I will. First of all however, awkwardness was made by God to hover over society and strike at the worst moment ever - like an S.T.I . Parents know the pain that awkwardness brings to their offspring, yet they constantly bring up conversations starting with,

"So, sex"

"So, contraception"

"Don't have sex dear. You will get pregnant, if you do have to get pregnant though make sure the father isn't ugly. Then the baby may turn out ugly and you won't be able to keep it in the baby room FULL OF BABIES WHEN IT IS BORN COS IT MIGHT SCARE THEM"

BACK TO THE POINT

I was going to talk about a time when I lead my English teacher into believing I was a world class gymnast, but that wasn't really that awkward - I enjoyed pretending to be athletic for a while. So instead, I will have to talk about the little things in life which people view as weird and thus create an uncomfortable atmosphere worthy of turtles. Why is it an awkward turtle? Turtle's aren't that awkward are they? It doesn't really work with anything else though - we're used to awkward turtle - AWKWARD MAMMAL ---- doesn't have the same ring to it... :( . BACK TO THE POINT. Wow, distracted today. Anyway.

Little things, like murmuring to myself often makes people either look at me with sympathy or disgust. If I am supposed to be talking to this person, an awkward atmosphere is created and slowly crushes it's victims in humid despair. It gets even worse, however, as usually I know that I will only feel this awkwardness when I stop talking, so I must continue to talk. One time - I was particularly hyper and sleep deprived and it had the WORST effect ever on my talking. I was in a revision session one lunchtime because I hadn't performed well in a recent exam. No surprises there then. I started basically repeating the last few words of my teacher's sentences to myself. BAD MOVE. She thought I was taking the mickey and stopped talking to glare at me. Suddenly there was this deep, deep silence that I had to fill with murmurings. I had run out of things to say and so it kind of carried on like this:

Me: (along the lines of) should probably stop talking now. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

My brain had frozen so I just repeated the word 'stop' until my teacher gave up and continued the revision. I was relieved. It was the worst moment of my life.

My Favourite Letters - R, S and T

R - Running. The point is useless. Unless, of course, you are running from an impending zombie apocalypse, rapist or angry year 11 student. I do understand that many people enjoy running, as you can probably tell, I am not one of those people. I cannot run. I do not wish to run. When I run, I look like a cross between a drunk baby and bambi who cannot yet walk. It's truly horrific. If you enjoy running and are gifted in the art of moving rapidly, good for you. I am not.

S - Sixth Form is two words that are guaranteed to make any

year 11 urinate on themselves. The fear was never prominent before. As we go through our school life, our views to our future change in relation to our age.

Year 7 - 'What future?'

Year 8 - 'I want to be a fairy when I grow up'

Year 9 - 'GCSE's? ... hmm sound like a laugh'

Year 10 - 'Should probably think about GCSEs now'

Year 11 - 'SHIT. MUST REVISE CONSTANTLY - I WILL FAIL EXAMS - NO SIXTH FORM FOR ME - LEAVE WITH NO A LEVELS - WORLD WILL ENNNNNDDDDDDD'

You see my point.

T - I have been asked by three people in my Business class to be featured now. We shall call them 'The Three Muskateers' to make the T letter. Eda, Oliv

ia and Alice. They are three strange people. Now, many people at school are odd - the majority of people. But if being wierd was rock music, these three would be Aerosmith. We have mentioned Eda recently - we all know she is bizarre. Olivia is slightly more sane. Oh our Chemistry times are funny. As no one is allowed to sit next to me anymore in Chemistry, Olivia and Sophie are my only friends. Sad I know - but since Jessie had been cruelly snatched from my friendship by the blonde-haired, chemical obsessed teacher - I have had little human contact. So Liv is an epic ginger distraction. :) . Finally - Alice. On a serious note - Alice is one of THE funniest people I have ever met. THE funniest. Alice - if you feel this blog is worthy of your reading - you are epic - please don't EVER mature.

OK, so since the Russian Spy told me to go back to my seat before The Three Muskateers told me anything else about what they requested from this blog - I shall leave it here with my favourite image of the century. Enjoy.

If a tree falls in a forest but there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Thoughts are interesting bubbles that always hit us at the wrong time. If you are unaware of the point I am trying to raise, allow me to offer a couple of examples. When on the London underground, it is impossible to block the idea that will always smack you in the face when rocking slowly back and forth under the streets of London. "I could bomb this right now". It's in no way a threatening thought - I need to say now that i would never even dream of bombing anywhere - it's just a niggle in the back of the brain which says "It's been done before - if I wanted to - it would just explode" Is that normal? I don't know.

BACK TO THE POINT

My thoughts revolve around a common question that leaves many listeners glaring in confusion and anger only to ponder it for a while and leave in shame. "If a tree falls in a forest but there is no one around to hear it - does it make a sound?". You have no idea the time that I have spent (mostly in lesson time) constantly reviewing this humanity-infuriating question. Well, humanity - I have the answer for you - just don't ask me to recall any of my year 11 lessons.

If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one around to hear it, ladies and gentlemen, it does not make a sound. The tree merely produces vibrations - as does every other object in motion - as it both falls and hits the ground. A sound, by very definition is when these vibrations are changed in the ear so that they are audible for humans. If there is no one around to turn these vibrations into sounds - there is no sound. OH YEAH BITCHES. :P

O - Q

O – Orangeness. Orange people belong in the chocolate factory singing verses of chirpy songs and dying their hair green, not on the streets of Tonbridge. It’s become such an issue nowadays that people are starting to blend in with phone shops such as ‘Orange’ and sunsets. I say, ditch the expensive foundation that has become permanently stuck to Britain’s face, drink Sunny D – it’s a lot cheaper and only takes a couple of years to orange up your little pale face. :/ .

P – I had difficulty thinking of subjects beginning with P. So, like with all difficult questions in life, I turned to Google. Google was useless. It gave me this word, however, which i LOVED. Apparently a plasmodiophoraceae is a real word. It is a family of fungi that often cause hypertrophy in seed plants. I suppose that could be fairly annoying.

Q – I enjoyed this greatly. Quentin Blake is one of my favourite illustrator – to be honest he’s the only illustrator that I know the name of and so exists in my world - like saying Barack Obama is my favourite black president. So anyway – BACK TO THE POINT.

It looks like the little happy stick people are enjoying a quick rape while promoting the children’s book.

Okily Dokily – small nugget of funny things that I have encountered recently.

A very good friend of mine, we shall call her Kiefer, after reading my blog in History a couple of days ago, turned to me in shock. She stared at me in such a cold manner I was convinced she was staring right into my soul and slowly crushing it. It was the kind of stare that makes your head scream at you to turn away and yet you find yourself drawn to the stare, not able to move or even breathe. It was pretty intense. After a few blood-freezing seconds, she slowly said to me the following, “you think Lady Gaga has a place in this world???? LADY GAGA HAS ONLY A PLACE IN AN ASYLUM” Lady Gaga has a place in this world Kiefer. Deal with it.

M, N and Some Random Shizz

M – Moderation. I’m talking about the boring kind of moderation, the kind which makes it socially unacceptable to consume every type of fast food in the Tunbridge Wells food court in a single sitting :/ . Chocolate, booze, energy drinks and fast food was placed on this earth to make people happy, among the negativities of life – war, poverty, abuse, Fred – God gave the humans hope. So why introduce moderation with these joys? Moderation kills happiness. Whoever invented moderation should be ashamed of themselves, hang their head in shame and feel the fury of the human race as the wrath of angry teenagers unable to chocolate binge for the guilt and shame that follows descends upon their sorry souls.

N – Yesterday, I was in a computer room for a lesson. This allowed me to use the internet to gain knowledge, understand views and opinions of great figures in history and apprehend the basic structure of society and the world around us. It also meant I could Google necrophilia. This is what Wikipedia told me ... ‘In some societies the practice was enacted owing to a belief that the soul of an unmarried woman would not find peace; among the Kachin ofMyanmar, versions of a marriage ceremony were held to lay a dead virgin to rest, which would involve intercourse with the corpse.’ THEY MARRIED DEAD PEOPLE AND THEN FUCKED THEM :/. Why?

Anyway, that over – I need to cover some aspects of life that have recently been of interest to myself and my peers. The use of the word ‘lol’ in every day language is a growing issue in Britain. I have no aversion to the use of the word ‘lol’ when in a facebook conversation that is getting boring (the word has now become a universally known way of saying “you said hi, I said hi, we talked for three minutes, now i’m bored so please don’t reply to this” or, in a less polite way “fuck off”). But when it gets casually shoved into a conversation between two live people (not dead ones – necrophiliac) it is wrong – Imogen Davnall – I agree with you.

And now - as she asked on the bus - Edazor zis is for you